Harder than it needed to be: Obtaining Viagra

Harder than it needed to be: Obtaining Viagra

For those of you keen to give casual Viagra a go, be aware that – much like in daily life – if you don’t have a dick, things are gonna be hard. Allegedly, Viagra is available over the counter at pharmacies, but there's a catch. Just like most high-level positions in government, for easy pharmacy access to Viagra you’ve got to be a man over 35. If you fulfil this requirement then all that’s left is an interview with the pharmacist, and bada-bing bada-boom, you’re lifting curtain blinds with your dick in no time. But if these criteria pass you up, a doctor’s prescription is needed. 

Despite being visibly under 35 and girly, I decided to give it a go at three pharmacies. God loves a trier. Bargain Street Chemist was staffed by a relative newbie, who was incredibly confused by this request and therefore had to go get her supervisor. Fair enough. The oldie who was in the line behind me muttering how she couldn’t believe what “kids are doing these days” really set the tone for the rest of the day. The pharmacy supervisor was equally as confused, but decided to humour the venture. “Is this for you? You’re not picking up a prescription for Dad?” she asked. “Yup, it’s for me!” I said cheerfully (who is close enough with their dad to pick up his Viagra?!). “Well, are you over 35?” The pharmacist held eye contact for far too long while asking this question, and pigs would fly before a “yes” answer would. Bargain Street was a bust, but some valuable lessons had been learnt. Strike one.

So, tail between my legs, the next stop was Antidote. This wasn’t much better, despite an attempt at mild deception this time, but on the upside the pharmacy was empty of judgmental customers. “Is this for you?” I was asked, again. “No, for my boyfriend, things have been hard at the moment. Or, not hard,” I said. Potentially an acting workshop would have been a worthy investment, as the pharmacist looked at me the way a tenured professor looks at the fresher interrupting their lecture to ask if ‘this will be on the test’, before denying me. Strike two.

The final pharmacy, Albany Street, would stop this investigation in its tracks. This time I admitted that the Viagra was for me. “What do you do in your free time?” the pharmacist asked. My answer, “I’m really into chemistry and compounds,” was admittedly, incredibly weak. The response? “Go home, kid.” This was a death blow. The investigation needed to be shut down before another pharmacist could worsen my deep-rooted fear of failure, but the attitude of the professionals at Albany Street was iconic. An untapped geopolitical resource, the Albany Street pharmacists could humble Russia within the day. 

Salvation came in the form of a brown paper bag found outside the Critic office, addressed to yours truly. In it were some Erectile Dysfunction pills with the incredibly subtle name “ExtraBona.” Off-brand Viagra like this and various ED pills are available at establishments such Peaches & Cream and Shosha. If Viagra is medical weed (legal, organised and tested), then ExtraBona is a sketchy back-alley deal with a crack addict. The bottle looked like something out of a South Park episode, and the ingredients looked dubious at best, but down the hatch it went.

For those of us without a dick, here’s what you can look forward to, if you try ED pills: a flushed face and feeling mildly woozy for about 10 minutes, without even a hint of increased horniness. You could go on a roller coaster for the same results and probably have a better time. As an overall drug experience, I wouldn’t recommend it if you don’t have a dick. It was a 3/10 experience, but it was, as the name suggests, a solid one. But there are plenty of easier things to get your hands on that are more fun. Once again, for women, life remains hard in all the wrong ways, and not even the power of ExtraBona could fix this one.

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2022.
Posted 2:30pm Sunday 20th March 2022 by Ruby Werry.