A Slam Poem Curated from Your Studentville Wifi Names

A Slam Poem Curated from Your Studentville Wifi Names

Hey there.

Nice Cock.


You looking for a

New Flat with

cheap rent? Head down to

LoserVille: location,

Gang land.

Somewhere in the Alley on

DundASS street, we have all the

Beer Necessities you need.


You want entertainment? We got you.

Fuck Gamers — leave your consoles at the door. We are intellectuals, and only indulge in high-culture films such as

rickandmorty and

Pornhub 2.0, which comes complete with

Rileys 2.4Hz nudes and

NUNS FRONT BUM. Feel free to partake in the communal

Cum Bucket. Don’t click the

Virus Download button, or you’ll get



Hungry? We have a shared flat dinner schedule. Monday night is

Eggs; Tuesday is

Meaty On Chippy. Occasionally we have

CrabApples15, or

waffle yum yum.                                                     

We cook rice in (the slow cooker); you’re welcome to use it. If you get lucky in town on Saturday, maybe you’ll get to eat some

Beaver. If none of these tickle your pickle,

Nanas upstairs <3 She’ll sort you out a mean feed.


Ignore the stench. It never really goes away.

Ollie smells.

Jacques smells. Everything smells, especially

Jeff’s Butthole. Our bodies are temples, and his is a

House_fullof_shit. We beg him to consume more fibre, to use the bidet, to take better care of his sexual health;

“It hurts when IP,” he cries.

“I have 6 rubbers up my bum.” Jeff, the infamous

SHARTWRECKER, does not visit Student Health. He dabbles in essential oils and

BlackMagic instead. We do not like Jeff.



Look out your window. Dunedin is built on reclaimed land. Behold the marshy miry wetlands,

THE SWAMP which lies yonder. You must be careful of

THE SWAMP. Do not enter


Cabbage patch wolves lurk

THE SWAMP at night, seeking

Dog rolls to consume. Beware.



Benee Fan Club meets here fortnightly. They will knock three times, and say a password.

Bird is the word. Let them in. I promise we aren’t a

Trap House. They just really like Benee.


Do you pay for this wifi? No. It’s included in the rent. Yes, it’s terrible. Don’t get

sassy with me. You don’t live in

Daddyz Mansion with your

posh pals anymore. We have notoriously

ThottyWifi. Deal with it,





The neighbours are at it again. I beg them, again and again, please:

Stop Stealing Limes. It falls on deaf ears.


That’s about it for the flat tour. I hope that you like the new place. Just remember:


Stay humble, cunts.


This article first appeared in Issue 25, 2021.
Posted 12:11am Saturday 2nd October 2021 by Asia Martusia King.