Directed by Jacque Perin and Jacque Cluzard, (1/5).
Attenborough must be rolling in his…oh wait, he’s still alive. In that case, may he never ever, ever see Disney Nature’s most recent release Oceans; it will surely send him to an early grave.
Attempting to be a contemplative film about the unseen beauties of our oceans whilst highlighting the fragility of the ecosystems they inhabit, Oceans fails on all fronts. The moment you hear that sickly sweet croon of Pierce Brosnan dripping from the speakers you know it’s off to very bad start. If anyone has seen The Simpsons episode where Brosnan does the voice of the Simpsons’ automated house, that is the kind of feeling you get. He’s watching you, he wants you, get out! Now mash that creepy drawl together with a dreadful script that likens sea worms to a “dazzling underwater ballet” and you should be getting an idea of what kind of abomination this film is. Quite honestly, this film is the most sure-fire way of killing the life in our oceans; I’m predicting mass underwater suicides for most sea creatures by the end of the year. If scientists are looking for the cause, look no further.
Not only did the film makers (and an outrageous number of contributors) manage to diminish what should have been spectacular footage into cheap shots of jumping dolphins, but they also draped over the top an entirely inappropriate soundtrack. With the exception of the ribbon eel (very cool), I had seen every animal, and, it felt like, every shot this movie had to offer. Ever seen baby turtles being hatched on a beach and dash to freedom whilst being swooped on by birds? Ever seen a blue whale leap out of the water and crash back down again, accompanied by a big fucking brass band?
If you like nature documentaries, as I most certainly do, watch David Attenborough’s Planet Earth, a truly amazing series. Oh, and incidentally you actually learn something in the process. Oceans offers nothing whatsoever in educational value and makes the audience feel like a four year old child post-lobotomy.
P.S. Really fucking irritating crowd.
Oceans
