Youíve been hired to write a news article for Critic Te Arohiís next issue.

Youíve been hired to write a news article for Critic Te Arohiís next issue.

Whatís the headline of your article?

Your Birth Month

January - Breatha

February - Grange Street Flat

March - MFCO lecturer

April - Renowned stoner

May - Nerd

June - Wholesome grandma

July - OUSA Exec

August - Broke Castle Street resident

September - Student journalist

October - Environmental activist group

November - Dave from Maharajas

December - Your mum

 

Your First Initial

A - Uncovers truth behind

B - Goes head to head in local body election against

C - Arrested after threats towards

D - Makes amends with

E - Donates to

F - Calls out bogus claims made by 

G - Cuckholds

H - Vandalises

I - To make formal complaint to Advertising Standards Authority about

J - Claims uptick in disorderly behaviour is thanks to

K - Announces pregnancy with

L - Involved in fisticuffs with

M - Wins court case against

N - Formalises business partnership with

O - “Holds no grudges” towards

P - Helps clean up public image of

Q - Talks to Critic about serious incident involving

R - Spotted snorting ketamine with

S - Buys weed from

T - Terrorises

U - Files restraining order against

V - Taken to tenancy tribunal by

W - Spills the details about a “wild night out” with

X - Offers help to

Y - Pleads with

Z - Marries

 

Your Favourite Colour

Red - Stinky

Orange - Radical

Yellow - Completely drunk

Blue - Supposedly innocent

Green - Broke

Purple - Problematic

Pink - Furious

White - Dangerous

Black - Desperate

Other - Rogue

 

Your Last Initial

A - Landlord

B - Fashion industry bosses

C - Pub owner

D - Proctor

E - Mob of students from Logan Park High School

F - MILFs

G - Anthropology lecturer

H - University of Otago board members

I - David Seymour

J - TERFs

K - Instagrammer

L - Right-wing militia

M - Students studying at Robertson Library

N - Conspiracy theorists

O - Bioethics professors

P - Dunedin News admin

Q - Auckland Uni students

R - Uniprint shop manager

S - Vice-Chancellor David Murdoch

T - Person with “here for a good time, not a long time” in their Tinder bio

U - Judith Collins

V - ODT editor

W - VUWSA Exec

X - KFC worker

Y - Leith Street Flat

Z - Shitposting page admin

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2021.
Posted 4:03pm Sunday 22nd August 2021 by Elliot Weir.