1. What is your preferred method of escapism?
a. Online shopping (1)
b. Poetry (2)
c. Constant activity (3)
d. Substance abuse (4)
e. Lighting incense and meditating on your flaws (5)
2. If you were to visualize yourself as a piece of furniture, the most accurate description would be:
a. A dark leather office chair (1)
b. A velvet loveseat (2)
c. A smushed beanbag (3)
d. An ‘outside couch’ (4)
e. A large, kind of uncomfortable, armchair (5)
3. Did you excel as a child?
a. “Doesn’t contribute to the discussion” (1)
b. Teacher’s pet (2)
c. “Talks too much in class” (3)
d. Still confused about long division (4)
e. Home school uwu (5)
4. Which of the following Rainbow Magic Fairy names applies to you the most?
a. Julia the Sleeping Fairy (1)
b. Evelyn the Mermicorn Fairy (2)
c. Sienna the Saturday Fairy (3)
d. Fern the Green Fairy (4)
e. Rihanna the Seahorse Fairy (5)
5. Where are you spending a Wednesday night?
a. Either an early night, or no sleep (1)
b. Long evening walks (2)
c. Inventing an elaborate board game (3)
d. Rewatching Bojack Horseman (4)
e. Mid-week astral projection (5)
6. What Fruit Burst flavour would you be?
a. Strawberry (1)
b. Lemon-Lime (2)
c. Wildberry (3)
d. Banana (4)
e. Orange (5)
7. Which feature are you the most attracted to in your preferred sex?
a. Red flags (1)
b. Pretension (2)
c. Mullets (3)
d. Supplies (; (4)
e. Good energy (5)
8. How did you have the sex talk?
a. “So … it’s time you learned…” (1)
b. What sex talk? (2)
c. School health class and Google (3)
d. ‘Experimenting’ (4)
e. You discovered ‘Yoni Massages’ on Youtube (5)
8-18: SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors)
Escitalopram, citalopram, fluoxetine, sertraline
Major depressive disorder and anxiety baby, you are the basic bitch of antidepressants. If you’ve got SSRIs, make sure you’re surrounded by a good support system and have regular check ups. You don’t wanna go off the escitalo-deep end.
Treat yourself to: A night with friends, alcohol-free beer, an oversized stuffed bear
Amitriptyline, doexpin, amoxapine
Sylvia Plath, is that you? Your doctor may be stuck in the 1950s. Because of a number of unpleasant side effects, tricyclics are a pretty uncommon prescription nowadays. Avoid fig trees and avocado pears.
Treat yourself to: A daydreaming session, some compassion for yourself
23-26: SNRIs (Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor)
Do you constantly feel the need to evaluate every situation and can’t feel comfortable if you don’t know your environment? Anxiety? Panic? General terror? Overstimulation is your BFF because activity keeps the thoughts away.
Treat yourself to: a morning bike ride, decaf coffee, a neck massage
27-32: Self Medication
Oui’d, alcohol, various pharmaceuticals
Sometimes when life gets you down, and you’re finding it increasingly hard to trust doctors, you’ve got to turn to your own devices. Like a white man named Kyle in a 1998 brown Honda Civic. Unlike your parents, he always answers your texts, and sometimes he gives you a pity discount.
Treat yourself to: a goddamn vegetable, a functional sleep schedule, natural light
33-40: Crystal Healing
Yellow quartz, carnelian, citrine
Pull out the candles and the rocks bitch, it’s emotional healing time. You claim to be a skeptic of Goop but secretly idolize Gwyneth Paltrow. Own up, and maybe stop impulse buying sparkly rocks, you magpie.
Treat yourself to: (no more rocks), iron tablets, a natural beeswax candle