How to Get $50 Worth From a Moon Cup When You Donít Bleed Four Days a Month

How to Get $50 Worth From a Moon Cup When You Donít Bleed Four Days a Month

As written by someone who normally doesn't bleed four-ish days a month.

Moon cups are great. They’re inconspicuous, reduce plastic waste, and they’re easily distributable to people with uteruses in developing nations. All my female friends were raving about them, and not one to miss out on the latest trend, I decided to invest and see what all the hype was about. 

Turns out, these nifty bits of silicon are NOT in fact cups from which you’re meant to drink. I was surprised to see that what I’d ordered was so small, and with a weird handle on one end, almost as if for inserting and removing from a confined space. Surprise - it’s a menstrual product. Moon cups are designed to replace the single-use tampon, and provide an eco-friendly alternative to contemporary period products.

But since I have neither a vagina nor a need to collect blood every full moon, I’ve had to get creative with my latest fashion trend. Here are several uses for moon cups if you find yourself, like me, in unnecessary possession of one of these hemo-saturated Holy Grails. 

  1. Plant a little plant in it. So cute, but problems arise when the water cant drain out of the bottom, because the whole point is that they retain liquids really well. Oops. Now you have a dead plant. But it was cute while it lasted, and we all know you’re a shitty plant mom anyway, so this isn’t a surprise.

  2. Make jello shots. Perfect for your PMS-themed party, these exciting molds are sure to appeal to all of your feminine friends, and absolutely scream “I’m an ally”. Go get ‘em, fellas. Can’t go wrong with this one.

  3. Speaking of shots, what better way to take advantage of your new $50 vessel than to drink out of it? Whiskey, vodka, rum, whatever floats your boat, really. It all has the same sanguine aftertaste of menstrual blood. Yummy stuff, and all that extra iron really helps the vegans amongst us. Cheers.

  4. Finger puppets are back in, right? You can pretend to be a plastic purple Darth Vader. It’s way less scary, and way more fun for everyone. 

  5. Use it to catch and release spiders safely. Spider season is almost back upon us, and those furry friends will be soon invading your home to share your warmth and eat your bugs. So, instead of squashing your newest mates, just use your handy-dandy moon cup to safely secure and relocate these valuable members of the North Dunedin community.

  6. And in the spirit of genital safety, you could try to use this as a really shitty condom, if your package is small enough. She’d appreciate the gesture, and since these lovely bits of silicon are designed for catching small amounts of liquid, it’s perfect for your disappointingly diminutive dong. 

  7. Really amp up your consensual blood collection as a considerate vampiric member of today’s society. With neck-biting being presumably illegal, the best way to feed your immortal lust for blood is by harnessing the shed waste of our PMSing pals. It’s a win-win. 

 

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2020.
Posted 4:01pm Thursday 14th May 2020 by Fox Meyer.