Spiritualism always seems to be in style. It’s time Critic provided a guide for the most common types of modern witches. If any of this makes you rethink your beliefs, you’re probably a shit witch.
The E-Witch
Dresses in flowy, raggedy clothing that looks antique but was made in Indonesia and purchased for $85. Only keeps up the act on-camera. Doesn’t even know what the Malleus Maleficarum is, let alone how to properly recite an incantation. Checks Costar every day and takes it seriously (yes, @ you). Loves the whole “witchy movement,” and burns sage because that’s what all of her cooler friends are doing. She once danced around a fire, so she’s basically pagan. Insists that the bad energies in the room are the reason she can’t pay her bar tab. Will fight you.
Notable example: Billie Eilish.
Authenticity: In it for the internet points. 0/10.
Dateability: If you want to be her personal photographer, it’s a good gig. 6/10.
Where to find her: Tik-Tok, Instagram, Tumblr.
Likelyhood to curse your family: Maybe she’ll tear a leaf in half or something. 0/10.
The Crystal Magic Witch
Will insist that you hang fire opal above your bed to prevent the spread of contagious disease, because she knows best. Relies on a complete, unyielding trust of cure-all crystal magic to compensate for deep-seated feelings of existential dread and a lack of control over her life. Puts crystals into her water bottle to infuse it with good vibes, but also maybe cholera. The crystal-magic witch is a new variety and is only a few more steps towards arcana than her online peers. However, she is actually able to placebo her way through most problems, so we can’t say that she’s entirely powerless. She still can’t cast spells on others if they aren’t willing to buy into the hype, though.
Notable example: Gwyneth Paltrow
Authenticity: There’s some legit belief going on here, but her powers are pretty limited. 3/10.
Dateability: Cares more about her rocks than about you, and it’s all she’ll talk about. So it’s like dating any geologist, really. 4/10.
Where to find her: Setting out her crystals under the full moon to “charge” them.
Likelyhood to curse your family: She’d probably try to offer them an unsolicited cure, more than anything else. 10/10 chances she leaves a few healing crystals behind.
The Cosmic Witch
She’s into astrology, yeah, but she also literally lives in Cosmic. Definitely takes advantage of the 8 incense for 2 dollars deal. You’re not sure how much of her stuff is magic and how much is drugs. Dresses like a witch but it’s just because she spends all her money on drugs. Less of a witch, really, and more of a shaman, but that’s something. She can provide prophecy under the right circumstances, but they’re dubious at best. Owns a pretty legit tarot deck that she didn’t buy online, and can read it - points for that. She’ll try to read your palm but will get distracted halfway through, and then ask if she can score some weed.
Notable example: Stevie Nicks
Authenticity: She doesn’t really care about being a witch, so she’s not trying too hard, and that’s like half the battle. 4/10.
Dateability: Probably a great time, but will be a bender. If that’s your speed, 8/10.
Where to find her: On the lawn outside OUSA every Wednesday fire spinning.
Likelyhood to curse your family: She’s too chill for that, but if you steal her weed, she’ll definitely lace your breakfast with acid. 2/10.
The Spice Witch
Her culinary concoctions are basically potions, and you really don’t know what’s going in there anyway. Probably owns a cauldron-like vessel and is generally in great spirits. Believes strongly in the magic of the kitchen and possesses a de-facto spellbook in the form of her heirloom family recipes. Can actually burn herbs for treatment and produce natural remedies that do something, I guess? Should she choose to use her powers for evil, she could turn to poisons, so be careful. However, all of the magic that this witch produces is physical - no arcana here. She’s more of a spiritual alchemist.
Notable example: Martha Stewart.
Authenticity: Owns a spellbook and crafts potions, but her magic is limited to concoctions. 5/10.
Dateability: This is a keeper, fellas. Just remember: don’t piss her off. She can kill you with a single shroom. 10/10.
Where to find her: New World wine aisle.
Likelyhood to curse your family: Her recipes are fueled by love, not hate. When you inevitably break her heart, you’ll be more worried about the wrath of your family for losing such a catch. 0/10.
The Wilderness Witch
She has a strange and inexplicable power. Butterflies land on her arms, trees whisper to her, and she can keep a plant in full bloom longer than you can keep a succulent alive. She can nurse anything back to health, her foraging skills are uncanny, and she doesn’t brag about being a vegan. Your dog likes her more than it likes you. She has an array of pets, but will tell you “I don’t really own them. They’re just here.” Performs full moon ceremonies but doesn’t post anything to Insta - if she even has an Insta. Often solo tramps, not concerned with mortality. Doesn’t have time for you. You’re jealous.
Notable example: Kate Bush.
Authenticity: Whatever magic she possesses is clearly non-verbal. Powerful stuff. 8/10.
Dateability: 1/10. Very unlikely that she’ll slow down for you. Unless you’re an independent spirit following the same creed, you won’t get along. Her true partner is Mother Earth.
Where to find her: In the botans, freeing the parrots from their cages.
Likelyhood to curse your family: If you wrong her, she can and will take your pets. Your houseplants will shrivel in her absence. A pestilence upon your land and family. 6/10.
The Withering Witch
If you’ve seen her, you know. You’ve seen her selling her wares at the farmers market. You’ve seen her on public transport, muttering what can only be incantations. You’ve seen her feeding swarms of seagulls by the water. You’ve never seen her eat. You don’t know where she sleeps - if she sleeps - you don’t know who she knows, but you do know that you’re afraid of her. She who communes with gulls wields a mighty power, indeed. There are no young old hags - impetuous young witches trade their youth for a quick shot at true power. These witches escaped the patriarchy through ancient pagan practice, and can bend the will of weaker men. Her evil eye is unparalleled, so cough up $10 for a handmade bracelet or you’re definitely getting shat on on your walk home.
Notable example: Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II
Authenticity: Literally made a deal with the devil, so yeah, 10/10. That’s a witch.
Dateability: Kinda in a serious thing with Satan, so good luck with that. 0/10.
Where to find her: Follow the birds.
Likelyhood to curse your family: It’s already too late, dude. You’re fucked. 10/10.