It’s that sick season and we shouldn’t be out here playing games with any virus, period.
But. Dunedin has a party reputation that needs to be upheld for the sake of media articles all over New Zealand, so that our grandparents can post them on our Facebook page saying "Kyle did you go to this? Stay safe. I found a new banana cake recipe you will love. Ring me."
To get your party fix while also avoiding contact with people and their germs, you’ll need to A, live in a flat with flatmates who haven’t left for home, or B, have a wifi connection and a Zoom account. If doing this in person, remember to keep that 2 meter physical distance.
1. Get your ‘fit ready.
Try those big black sacks from New World, they would look cute with a facemask you can steal from a dentistry student. Cut holes for your arms and head. Wear some fish net tights to sex it up (germs probably won’t chomp your legs). Invest in garden gloves from Mitre 10 Mega so you don’t waste plastic gloves and don’t cut your hands picking up the glass your dummy friend throws at a taxi. Take notes from the Māori kids for your shoes: red-band gumboots will not only protect your feet from everything, but will also make you instantly more attractive. It’s science.
2. Disinfect your funnel.
Funnel on entry isn’t banned, as long as the tube is two meters long. Scrub down your funnel with dettol and dishwashing liquid after every use. Don't let your flatmate with cold sore have a go, and definitely don’t pour any Coronas down. Just in case.
3. No sharing vapes.
As tempting as it may be to try your friend’s friend’s cousin’s bubblegum candy floss 500 nic level vape that they left at the flat 2 weeks ago, don’t. Instead, ask someone else to blow the smoke towards you so it hits your face and hides your tears for a split second. It probably will still get you sick but at least they won’t see you cry. Which brings us to our next rule.
4. Don’t cry.
Touching your face is a big no no. Who cares that your ex has moved on with someone that is more attractive and probably Brazillian. If you cry then you are immediately sick. Sorry.
5. Wait a couple of weeks before you screw the crew.
As sexy as your flatmate is starting to look, Jessica, don’t cave in to krumping on him. You've got weeks of this to go and he might turn out to be incredibly annoying. If the two week mark passes and the sound of his voice doesn't make you want to hurl, then go for it.
6. Only listen to The Weeknd.
The doctor said that listening to the new album will protect everyone from any virus so you have to believe them. This 100% works and The Weeknd will save your immune system. This also applies exclusively to every Cher song as well as LMFAO’s Party Rock Anthem.
7. Probably just don’t go out.
Could also just be a good idea to get a head start on isolation. Find a stray cat to adopt, close your bedroom door, and watch Shrek before it gets taken off Netflix.