Two months ago I started casually seeing this very eccentric guy (he wrote erotic fiction and submitted naked photos of his dick to tumblr blogs so you make the judgement on just howeccentric). I made it very clear from the get-go that I didn’t want anything more than the physical, but was happy to be friends. Two months later, he thinks he has the authority to criticise me and my life choices.
Below are excerpts from possibly the most offensive conversation I have ever been subject to:
“I think having sex and sleeping over just complicates things more when, (in my opinion) what you should be doing is focussing on yourself.”
“I just don’t feel comfortable intruding on someone’s self-discovery – even if they insist on me doing it.”
“I meant every word. Remember: I’m different.”
“From the vantage point of a friend, I honestly think you need to think about what you want in life.”
“Might not be any of my business, but I think you have a lot to work through. If that makes me pretentious and a dickhead, fine. But it’s still something I think you need to do.”
“I just tell a truth people never want to hear.”
Clap x 3 (slowly).
I feel so glad that a man who I have slept with a few times has been able to give me the psychoanalysis that I obviously so desperately needed (insert eye roll).
What is so frustrating to me is that I entered this sexual relationship/friendship with clear objectives. To put it bluntly, I wanted to put aside my entrenched Christian guilt and have sexual intercourse regularly without the excess baggage of a boyfriend. It took me a long time to get over a man I was so down for it was ridiculous. But I decided: no more! I decided it was important to move on, explore my sexuality, my preferences and just generally not feel like I had to hold myself back. Instead I get condemned, judged and just generally accused of not having my life together (WHO THE FUCK HAS THEIR LIFE TOGETHER AT 22?????).
I feel like this guy just ended a relationship I didn’t even know existed. Which is honestly so bloody typical. Why are men incapable of believing that women are incapable of engaging in coitus without feeling emotionally or morally compromised? Because I am living proof.
But apparently I have to be labelled a “damaged soul” who needs to work on herself. It’s infuriating. Honestly, if one more man comes along and says he’s going to “save me” I WILL LITERALLY SCREAM!!! God. What a pretentious asshole (I’m still freshly fucked off in case you can’t tell from the shouty caps).
Which is why I am writing this. I think it is so, so, so important for women to stand by their convictions and set clear boundaries when wanting a casual sexual relationship. I obviously didn’t make my intentions clear enough and am now choking on someone else’s condescension as opposed to a lovely shaped penis. So here goes:
- Be blunt from the get-go. Yes, you may run the risk of sounding crass, or even rude but honestly, who the fuck cares? It’ll help you weed out the ones who aren’t up for the way you run things – and more importantly, the ones who aren’t up for the job.
- Keep things in check. For me, a big part of what got me in a pickle was being too lenient. I would end up listening to this man’s family issues, financial stresses and past emotional breakups. Yes, we aren’t robots so sometimes being there for the person putting his P in your V is the right thing to do, but if he isn’t happy to play the same role – run! There IS such a thing as TMI and you can’t be afraid to call him out on it.
- Emojis. Use the appropriate ones. For me this entails the eggplant emoji, and any of the food emojis or animals ones. Don’t send “xx” or the kissing face emoji or ANY OF THE HEART EMOJIS. Just don’t do it. Some emojis are sacred (I personally reserve the red heart emoji solely for my best friends). Respect that.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY – Do NOT compromise your expectations. If you need someone who is going to fuck your pussy on the regular, then a ghoster isn’t for you. If you need someone to come around and then leave, let them know that. Personally, I think you have to earn the overnighter. When this guy invited himself for a sleepover, I waited until he was asleep then went and slept on the couch. I didn’t want to be rude or hurt his feelings (typical female guilt) but honestly I should have just made him leave if I was being true to myself.
- Finally, do not feel shamed into thinking you should want something more. It doesn’t mean you lack emotional depth and breadth simply because you like sex with no strings attached. That’s just where you’re at in your life, and that’s kosher.
Fuck the patriarchy, but also fuck the patriarchy.