Culture

TV2
Thursdays, 8.30pm
(2/5)

 
   Want to see the dredges of Twilight and the off-cuts of True Blood coagulate in front of you for 40 long minutes? Not really? Yeah, I don’t blame you. This week we’re checking out a couple of teen-vampire TV shows that have managed to capture the hearts of jocks and moon-faced goths alike. I was landed with reviewing the drama-cum-horror program Vampire Diaries, a sloppy attempt to straddle the ground between two recent cash-cows.
   Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re sick of hearing about this new vampire stuff: you don’t want any part of it and you try not to laugh when your flatmate casually says things like “They’re not werewolves, they’re shapeshifters that just so happen to turn into werewolves.” So, it’s fair to say that I went into this thing with a rather negative view of teenage vampire entertainment to begin with. At least I admit it.
   There’s not much that I need to sum up for you guys plot-wise concerning VD (did you notice that?... oh nevermind). Over-aged actors play kids at a high school. The hot girl likes the hot guy. He’s a vampire. Drama ensues. There’s a bad vampire. More drama ensues. Basically it’s about as formulaic as manatees writing a Family Guy sketch. For the sake of looking hip and ‘with it’ there’s some light drug use, plundering of songs from what are objectively good bands (I died a little inside when the wonderfully venomous ‘Hang You From The Heavens’ by The Dead Weather accompanied the entrance of some jock-vampire douche), and some badly formed soliloquies on existentialism round out a comprehensive trio of shame.
   Also, traditionally vampires are supposed to be intelligent and interesting, aren’t they? Why the hell would anyone take an aristocratic, refined, engaging character type, and chuck it in with a bunch of emotionally stunted high school teens? The intrigue and mystique of the vampire character doesn’t exactly translate well into the formative years of cheerleading and boooooys. So, rather than watching Vampire Diaries, you could just watch The Hills, Beverly Hills 90210, and some footage from the killing floor of a cow-processing plant and you’ll come away with a close simulacrum of it.