The Critic Te Ārohi Vice Purity Test serves as a segue from O-week to what a couple of Critic writers think encapsulates University life.
It's a voluntary opportunity for O-week groups to bond, and for students to track the maturation of their experiences throughout University.
Caution: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in death.
Tick every item you have done:
- Gotten drunk
- Pretended you had done a reading
- Played Kings Cup
- Had eggs thrown at you
- Been to a Maharajas BYO
- Gotten high
- Been blackout drunk
- Been blackout drunk and woken up with a charge at Night’N’Day
- Won beer pong
- Snuck drinks into the stadium
- Played Thunderstruck (drink every time it says thunder)
- Driven others on your restricted
- Spewed on a Sunday
- Had noise control called on you
- Called noise control on someone else
- Spent less than $20 on a night out
- Lived in a flat that was objectively unlivable
- Gone out 3 nights/days in a row
- Taken a picture with a cop on a night out
- Eaten nothing but noodles or packet pasta equivalents 3 nights in a row
- Gone down the hydroslide at Moana Pool
- Been to a new years festival
- Lost in Rage Cage
- Been to Pint Night
- Walk of shame from Castle Street
- Successfully done 6 before 6 on St Paddys
- Brought alcohol into class
- Gone to a lecture still intoxicated
- Been under the influence in the supermarket
- Injured yourself in a dumb way
- Been proud of surviving a night out
- Missed every class for a week
- Smoked weed out of something that wasn't meant to be used for smoking
- Had a conversation about how “this is probably bad for us” mid-use
- Cheated or been cheated on
- Committed flatcest
- Stolen money from the flat account
- Snorted a mystery bag
- Greened out
- Eating another edible before letting the first hit
- Gotten high in the Botans
- Given yourself a haircut mid breakdown
- Kissed your best friend in a way that wasn't just platonic
- Fallen off an E-Scooter
- Thrown up on someone
- Eaten something mouldy
- Peed with others in the room
- Mixed alcohol with energy drinks
- Smoked a cigarette from another country
- Threw up in your own mouth and swallowed it back down
- Hit another car while parallel parking
- Been caught watching porn
- Driven under the influence
- Sub 2 yardie
- Done a beer bong
- Brought more than 6 drinks at Pint Night
- Tripped down the Carousel stairs
- Lost something worth of $100 while intoxicated
- Been kicked out of The Zoo
- Transferred money from your savings for a vape
- Had a fake/borrowed ID confiscated
- Lied to get an extension
- Faced with the decision between a box and dinner, picked the box
- Been kicked out of Subs
- Genuinely considered going sober after a terrible night out
- Won something from Leith Liquor
- Been trespassed
- Been to the Dunedin Hospital (as a patient)
- ?
- Homewrecked
- Caught a ride with Campus Watch
- Gotten another red card from drinking a box without anyone noticing
- Admitted feelings while under the influence
- Gotten high/drunk without cell reception
- Had a female drug dealer
- Bought drugs
- Sold drugs
- Watched Trainspotting
- Taken drugs while alone
- Rolled with something other than rolling paper
- Smoked a baccy bong
- Smoked chop or hash
- Been crossfaded
- Candy flipped
- Lied about k-holing
- Drunk a bottle cap
- Set off fireworks
- Urinated in public
- Vandalised public property
- Had sex on campus
- Gotten high on campus
- Hooked up with a uni staff member
- Done coke
- Done psychedelics
- Gone to the Planetarium on acid
- Line before 9 for Paddy’s
- Buttchugged
- Masturbated on campus (not halls)
- Been for a meeting with the Proctor
- Shat in an airfryer
1-25: Fresher
You're new to Dunedin, and probably adulthood too. As a Fresher, you haven't experienced all that Ōtepoti has to offer – but that's not a bad thing. Your world view is probably a lot less warped and negative than those around you. Make sure you have fun and take all that Dunedin has to offer, but stay safe too.
26-50: Undergraduate
By this time in your degree you know the lay of the land. Dunedin doesn't feel like a big scary mythical beast in need of slaying anymore. You have friends and purpose – maybe you've started calling this little slice of heaven your home. As an Undergrad, you no longer deserve eggs and abuse on the streets, but keep it in the front of your mind that you aren't in charge here.
51-75: Post-Graduate
As your knees start to ache on the climb up the hill back home, remember not to be sad that your journey is nearly over. Be happy that it happened. All of those questionable powders that have gone up your left nostril are starting to catch up. It might be time to get on your LinkedIn grind so you can get the fuck out of this city.
76-101: Professor
UNC status unlocked here, or maybe you are just a fresher who went to St Kents and had access to coke far too young. Either way, you know your way around the block by now. You’ve obviously got plenty of lore, and some pretty crazy yarns (and a couple of questionable ones). If you’re not retired from the dusty life yet, this is your sign to give your liver a break.
