To whom it may concern,
I think I am the perfect candidate for this part-time job because I am reliable,
I will always show up on time,
and if my car breaks down I will walk.
And if my legs break off I will elbow crawl
concrete grazes, beer glass abrasions, and all.
And if the ground becomes ocean I will paddle all night,
To man the counter by morning.
I will even bring towels from home to make sure the angry ocean doesn’t wet the 
customer’s feet.
I will give them all the dry socks,
that the legless person no longer needs. 

I am as hard-working as a sheepdog, 
and I need only bones as tips. 
I am an amiable girl, always, 
I won’t give creepy customers any lip.
You can count on me to mop, 
you can count on me to use the microwave cover. 
You can count on me to come in on Sundays, 
even when I’m hungover. 
You can count on me to wear my mask every day, 
and never take a lover.
And if I catch Covid or love, 
by will, I will recover.

You can count on me to accelerate to 120 in a 50 zone
when I’m running late.
And if it’s closing time, you just turn the lock, 
then if you ask me nicely, be sure I’ll touch your
stock-taking folder 
and count every dollar in the register.

I don’t even own a phone, 
I don’t have any friends,
and I have hypohidrosis, so I never even sweat.
I don’t get a bad period, but if it gets in the way
I’ll scoop out all my lower stomach bits, and be back without delay.
I love to talk to people, I’m friendly as can be.
I don’t know any curse words, I never need to pee.
I really have five hands, to quickly stock the shelves.
I’m the best fit for the job, you see – I even have two mouths, 
so should I ever fail you, I can scold myself.
Thank you for considering my application, I hope I see you soon.

Yours sincerely,
Yours gratefully,
Yours obediently,
Yours kindly,

Ms Perfect Applicant

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2024.
Posted 10:30pm Friday 26th April 2024 by Lily Stoddart.