Drug Trip Simulator

Drug Trip Simulator

1. Look outside. It’s a beautiful day; the sun's shining, the birds are chirping, and you've got the itch for something special to make today one to remember. Who are you calling?

A: The Regular (go to 3)
B: The shady guy who your mate’s flatmate’s sister knows (go to 2)
C: That one mate that’s always holding something (go to 3)
D: Actually, your wallet’s a little too tight, and you wander to the lounge to find someone to hang out with (go to 4)

2. After the horrid experience of trying to convince a would-be Scarface that you aren't a 20-something-year-old police officer over Snapchat, Pams Pablo Escobar sends you the address of his flat. You make your way over – what's on the menu?

A: An awkward-looking fid (go to 18)
B: A questionable dose of hallucinogens (go to 19)
C: “Gear” (go to 5)

3. You swing round to your trusty, dusty mate’s place. To your surprise, he actually does have something close to a good time, for something you could convince yourself is a good price. What are you trying to buy?

A: A nice few cones-worth of weed (go to E1)
B: A half a gram of ket leftover from last week (go to 12)
C: Splitting a gram of gear with them for the night (go to 5)
D: You're after something to trip on, but he's out (go to 2)

4. Everyone’s out for the time being. Hell, it could be time for a cheeky rummage around the flat for anything to make your day. Now, where to start your search? 

A: Surely there’s something in the couch that’s been there since you moved in (go to 16)
B: A nice lick of your mate’s desk residue from two weeks ago (go to E2)
C: Throwing shit around in the kitchen in the hopes of finding that one bag you lost in first sem (go to 17)

5. Time is running out. The pre-drinks text has been sent, and you’ve got barely any time to head to KnowYourStuff and get your magic powder tested. Do you skip the first few brews and 2000s rap to get your bag tested?

A: Yeah, never hurts to be sure they didn’t rip me off (Flip a coin. Heads go to 6, tails go to 7)
B: Nah, what's the worst thing that could happen? (go to 8)

6. Ah, shit, the test came back and you haven't gotten results this bad since you failed STAT110. It's not looking good for the night's activities, so what's the go from here?

A: Call it now. Something going wrong this early is a bad sign for the night to come (go to E13)
B: Double down on your investment. Take them anyway and see where it goes (go to 8)

7. This might be the first time you’ve been relieved that a test came back positive. The night’s on and your verified bag of booger sugar is ready to go! Where's the route from here?

A: Missed pres, but who cares? You've got a bag of good times. Time for town (go to 9)
B: Fuck it. Back to the flat to catch whoever’s still there for an exciting time (go to 14)
C: You're way too excited to wait. Take the whole bag right now (go to E9)

8. Well, no one said you were the brightest second-year finance bro, but you know one thing for sure: a test not taken is a test not failed, right? What's the plan from here?

A: Off to town, with the goal of not ending the night alone (go to E3)
B: Take some now, and head to Night ‘n Day to get some gum (go to E4)
C: Off to the flat, your mate told you about something called snow cones and it's time to investigate (go to E5)

9. Town is just as boring as usual, but you've got something to make it feel like RNV on New Year’s Eve. It's the same tunes as every week, but you’re feeling like a new man. What's the plan?

A: The clubs are looking on (go to 10)
B: A couple of beers at the bar can’t hurt (go to 11)
C: The weather’s nice – why not have a yarn with some of the locals in the Octy (go to E6)

10. Cats, Subs, Social. It's not really a plan and it sure isn't a sentence, but it's about the only thing you've managed to utter so far. It's time to kick-off – how’re you spending the high?

A: Trying your luck at sifting on someone (go to E3)
B: Grabbing some drinks and busting a move (go to E7)
C: Meeting up with the lads at a bar, even though you just got here and dropped (go to 11)
D: Town sucks, home sounds good now (go to 4)

11. Whoever thought about taking drugs and going to a bar might have had the right idea, if they didn't just decide to go to the first bar they could find. It’s dimly lit, the tunes sound like your dad’s car stereo, and the only folks here are old dudes who actually worked more than six hours this week. What's the plan?

A: Have a yarn with the old cobber with the 90 mile stare (go to E5)
B: Start spinning shit yarns with the some of the old lads (go to E6)
C: I can barely feel the drugs. Maybe that sketchy bloke has something else (go to E6)
D: Might as well go home (go to 4)

12. 9 out of 10 horses recommend it, and you'll be damned if by the end of the night you won't be the 10th. The ket’s in your pocket and you have the desire to get really weird tonight, the question is where, though?

A: A nice little trip in the Botans (go to E8)
B: Town has never disappointed anyone once (go to 9)
C: A trip to the flat with the lads (go to 13)

13. The beers are out, the tunes are getting closer and closer to when you were in highschool, and everyone’s in high spirits – or about to be now that you've arrived with a bit of special K to put a spring in their night, what’s the go?

A: Slap the ket and head to the TAB – it’s betting time (go to E10)
B: Beer pong went well, and the boys have offered you some gear as a treat (go to 14)

14. The night’s kicked up a notch. The flat’s going off, your crush actually came and looks like they're having a good time, and you didn't have to spend half of your Studylink for the week on drinks to make it. Where do we go from here?

A: Shoot your shot with your crush. What's the worst that could happen? (go to E3)
B: Ask the lads if town’s the go for once (go to 9)
C: Someone's suggested tabs. Why not? It's only Saturday once (go to 15)
D: Damn, no gum left (go to E7)

15. It's one small piece of cardboard for a man, one absolute brain melting experience for mankind, and boy howdy are you trying to scramble to remember everything you've heard from non-reputable sources about dos and don'ts for taking acid. How're we spending this trip?

A. A nice time back at your flat (go to E11)
B. You decide that no matter the time, the beach is a great place for a trip (go to E12)
C. Who cares? Let’s just take it and see where the trip leads (go to E5)

16. No one ever said that hard work didn't pay off, and unlike the brief Minecraft relapse you and your mates have once a year, you actually struck gold. You've found yourself options: a questionable bag of squashed weed, and an even more questionable bag of – well, something powdered. It's not too late to test it, are you feeling brave?

A. I'm happy with the weed, an old reliable for sure (go to 18)
B. Beggars can't be choosers. Let's take the bag (go to E11)
C. This can't be all that's left. Maybe the kitchen? (go to 17)

17. The kitchen, usually a source of cooking, but now a source of getting cooked. Since no one’s home, you recklessly throw the useless shit that won't get you high to the floor, determined to find something – anything – to get you high. The options aren't great.

A. Screw this, I’m having a shower beer. It really isn't worth the stress (go to E13)
B. You did see a video about how Nutmeg made folks trip (go to E14)

18. There’s nothing like a good fid to leave the week behind and bring on the good times. You're all prepped with throwbacks queued, something to snack on in-hand, and potentially a brew or two if you're feeling like going out. Now that we have the green light, what's the vibe?

A: Wasn't someone supposed to host tonight? Maybe a beer and that? (go to 14)
B: Shit, didn't I say I’d meet the gang in town? Fuck it, I guess (go to 11)
C: Who cares, I'm just gonna have another cone or two or – oh, whatever (go to 21)

19. You’re feeling lax but kinda brave, and you’ve even got a mate that owes you a trip sit. Your guy has acid, but are you in the mood?

A: Buy a couple tabs (go to 15)
B: On second thought, you’re sure you know someone with shrooms (go to 20)
C: Fuck that. I can eat my flatmate’s mescaline cactus for free (go to E19) 

20. Alright, your mate’s offered you shrooms but you’re paying off-season prices, and you’ll probably owe them a solid forever, too. Town belt is on the walk home, though…

A: Take the old shrooms. The vibe’s just right, anyway (go to E18) 
B: Go shroom hunting in the Botans on the way (go to E8)

21: Fuuuuck. Shit. How many cones was that??? You’ve got no idea but you’re feeling fucking awesome. You wanna keep this going, but you’re dangerously low on weed. What do you do?

A: Dig through the couch for weed crumbs, cos your chopping got real messy (go to E15)
B: Wander through the flat. Surely someone can spare a cone? (go to E17) 
C: A nang for good measure (go to E16)


E1: It’s not quite a fid, but there’s enough for a few cones each, your guys says. Wait, each? Aren’t you the one paying? Man, even under the table shit has to have taxes. You shrug, and put your lips to the blackest, sludgiest bong you’ve ever seen, then pass to the dude you just paid. Trailer Park Boys plays in the background. All your new weed will be gone before the episode’s finished. 

E2: Not your proudest moment, but you’ve ingested worse. Fuck it, that’ll do. Your brain starts to whir, and you remember something: a conversation wherein said flattie bragged about fucking on their desk. You cannot unlick this. 

E3: You’re about to head, but… fuck — did you see that? Nah… Wait, what was that? For real, someone’s behind you. Someone – or something – else darts across the corner of your vision. SHADOW PEOPLE SHADOW PEOPLE SHADOW PEOPLE!!!!

E4: Can’t believe you forgot your fucking gum. You shuffle into Night ‘n Day and break out your best impression of a sober person as you slide the gum over the counter, along with a dirty fiver. Too easy. You’re so good at this. Charm the cashier, even. You leave walking on air, higher than giraffe pussy – before you come crashing down, hard, as you’re tackled by security. You accidentally tried to buy the entire stand of gum instead of a pack, and confidently left with it under your arm. Enjoy having your pic on the wall. 

E5: Nope nope nope. Nah. Nope. Mistakes were made. You see all of your life’s pathways laid out in front of you. Any future is yours for the taking. Except, you realise most of them suck balls. Sobriety sounds kinda sexy, right? You shave your head and go full blown straight edge. This is fine. Better, probably.

E6: You awaken in a foreign land. Piles of empty Speights bottles litter the floor beside the couch you’ve awoken on. The shed you're in is dank, cold, and reminiscent of nights on the piss from your youth. This time, though, someone’s had the decency to throw a dusty old blanket over you. You don’t recognize anything, but the lad sitting on an old beer crate having a cone notices you're awake. “Hey, you’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right? Walked right into that cop stop, same as us and that thief over there.” You struggle to remember much of the night. Before you can reply he says, “Welcome to South Dunedin. Who are you?”

E7: Right, you’ve chewed through your money, and you’re just about to chew through your fucken lips if you don’t do something about it. No gum, ceebs asking anyone. You realise you’ve been gnawing on the collar of your shirt. Huh. Feels kinda good. You keep going, absentmindedly. Within minutes, you’ve chewed holes in everything you’ve got on, like a human moth, and it’s falling off in rags. You’re Mothman, you decide. Moths don’t need clothes. You strip off the remainder of your clothes to allow space for your wings to grow. You’re arrested for public indecency. 

E8: Getting fucked up in the Botans is never as fun as it seems. A lot of things aren’t what they seem, right? Like the grass you’re lying on. Feels extra grassy. You lay back, and your psyche collapses deep within yourself, until all you know is how it feels to be a blade of grass, swaying in unison with leaves on trees that talk to each other via mycelium networks. You talk with them, too, as you decay and become one with the Botans. 

E9: Aww yeeaah nothing like a big night on the gear mate, and you're fizzing to go off. You scoop keys of your bag, like a 5’5’’ bloke scooping creatine to get big. But you might have been way too eager, cos you realise that midday standing outside of Clubs and Socs is an absolute shit place to take a bump, and now you need something to do. You recognise one of your mates from the window and think, “Why not drop into the library for a little while, just while the come up is hitting?” The only memory you have is a blur of sweat, drool, and old health science textbooks for some reason. You check your phone on Sunday morning to see texts confirming that you’ve dropped your degree in favour of a newly found passion for health science. Whatever MDMA-driven confidence that led you to that conclusion has long faded now, but oh well. At least you’ve got Health Sci Fri to look forward to, right?

E10: Fuck it: a bump more here, and a bump more there, here a bump, there a bump everywhere’s a bump-bump. With nursery rhymes of old blokes and farms summing up your night handily, who were you to say neigh to a little bit of betting at the locals? Did you understand how horse racing worked? Fuck no, but a wise man once said, “$20 is $20.” To no one's surprise, you're out $20, that's bullshit, you could have done better. Useless horse, but that doesn't sound like a bad idea. You barely remember the rest, but as you awaken at the crack of dawn the next morning to roosters crowing, you find yourself in a stable, groggily listening to a small man yell at you. You are a horse now, but at least the next bump’s free?

E11: If only you didn’t live in a shitty breatha flat that was hosting, cos you’re high off your face right now. You're trying to hold it all together, but it really isn’t working. Someone’s offered you a cone and the only thing you can remember is that weed is great for when you're having a bad trip, right? But you can feel your skin moving and that’s not great. “How about a trip to the loo?” you think. It's quiet and secluded, and you're pretty sure that you need to piss. You walk into the toilet and notice the walls are melting. You start to panic. You need the bond back or else how are you gonna pay for RnV? As your legs give out and you crawl into the fetal position, sobbing softly to the beat of ‘Afterglow’, you don’t even notice the piss soaking your last pair of semi-clean pants.

E12: The beach spoke to you on a fundamental level; you’ve been left speechless and with a profound urge to seek out somewhere to preach this information from. The tide has chosen you as its preacher and you know the best spot: right at the top of Signal Hill. The next morning you awaken at the lookout, your shirt’s gone, your pants torn to bits. The only other worldly possessions you have left is a dirty cardboard box you remember rambling proudly from the night before and a basketball you’ve smeared dirt on in the shape of a face who you recall as having been your zealous congregation. You look to the last piece of the life you left behind, your dying phone that’s been blowing up with texts from those your once-called friends, and decide it's time to cast aside the past and look to the sea. You throw the phone from the top of Signal Hill and set off in search of new followers of your budding cult. 

E13: Nothing like a good shower beer. You did kinda wanna trip hard tonight, but concussing yourself getting out of the shower will have to do. 

E14: Terrible fucking call, man. 

E15: “This is a great idea,” you think, as you manage to get stupid high off of couch weed. You sink another cone and lie back for a second as your ears start to ever so slightly ring. You’re getting sleepy, so you close your eyes, feeling as though you’re melting into the couch – deeper and deeper with each breath you take. When you wake up you realise… you did melt into the couch. You’re the couch now. 

E16: Whippet good. A blissful few seconds of your ears ringing would be great right now, and you’ve got one stray nang. No balloons, but you’ve got Student Health condoms and nothing to lose anymore. You crack your last nang into the condom, but it slips from your hands and flies across the room, deflated as your ego. You hang your head in condom-scented hands.

E17: Bong in hand, you wander blazed into the corridor and hear your flatmate’s voice nearby. You wander into their room to find them chilling with their ‘rents who just dropped in to visit. You absolutely reek of weed, and to top it off you’d decided to enter the room holding your bong like Tiny Tim begging for a crumb of green. Your flatmate and their folks stare at you glassy-eyed, as the sheer humiliation sinks into you. It can’t get worse than this — until you realise their blank gaze is cos they’re all also zooted as shit. Dang, okay. They motion down for you to join them with a J, as you’re subjected to the gruelling intimate detail about your least favourite flatmate’s life. Free J tho. 

E18: Holy shit. You brewed some shroom tea and got cosy with cartoons, and then time got so weird you couldn’t tell what language they were speaking anymore. It cured your depression – or whatever else you felt you had – and now you’re investing in hemp clothing and trying to punt free shrooms to random girls. This is the bad ending, no one likes you. 

E19: You hack the spines off the cactus as you really question what the fucking point is. Hippy blogs say to cook it into a tea and “find yourself”, Reddit says you can just pulverise it and chug. You go with the latter, forcing the bitter jizz-textured liquid down. Impulsively tripping in your dirty flat is fine, right? It’s fine. It’s fine. The room melts and quivers gently. There are bugs in your nipples. Get them out, get them out!!!!! 

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2024.
Posted 1:06pm Sunday 14th April 2024 by Nicky Patterson and Lotto Ramsay.