Your First Time… According to Wattpad

Your First Time… According to Wattpad

When your total bitch of a mother throws your things in a suitcase and tells you to meet your new owners (One Direction, a band you’ve literally never even heard of), the prospect of your emerging sexuality can be daunting, especially when you’re a fictional self-insert who doesn’t know about Oranga Tamariki. We’ve all been there, right? Luckily, Critic Te Ārohi has scoured a reliable source full of sex expertise for tips: Wattpad. A platform that was arguably more successful at getting teens to write than any English teacher, with the advantage that no one could stop you from writing sex scenes in all their inaccurate, smutty, filthy-demure glory. Here are all the ingredients needed for your perfect first time (y/n), according to Wattpad.

You’re not like OTHER girls 
If you’re worried that the motorcycle-riding bad boy of the neighbourhood won’t be into you, never fear. Quite simply, you’re just not like those other girls who are all into make-up and boys. You’re also an orphan, or something. Clumsy, quirky, and shy, he is going to be JUST SO obsessed with YOU that you won’t even need to pursue any man you’re interested in! Boys love girls who don’t know how to talk to boys, or at all. So when it comes time to get down to business, throw your hair into that messy bun, bat your eye-coloured orbs, and just be yourself (or the idealised version!)

The bad boy 
Tall, dark, and handsome, meet your brooding bad boy who doesn’t believe in therapy. His main forms of communication are smirks, lip bites and calling you kitten (or baby doll or sweetheart). Don’t be intimidated by his player reputation, casual misogyny, or the fact that he’s an asshole to you. It’s only a matter of time before he sees how unique you are and changes his ways forever. And if you think he’s insufferable, that’s perfect. Enemies to lovers is of course very realistic and happens all the time. 

Kissing is THE main event
Worried you’re moving too fast? Rest assured, you’ve got approximately twelve chapters of hungry makeout scenes before you will get to any lovemaking. Meekly glancing in the direction of your Gary Stu’s mouth is as much communication as you are permitted. As your lips collide in a passionate collision of mouthparts, his tongue explores your mouth like an old-timey coloniser.  A violent melding of faces, lips, tongues, and teeth (ouch) will have your core quivering and that brooding bad boy growling in your ear (?!). Don’t be turned off when you’re constantly interrupted by the boy’s best friend (who looks like him, but funny), as it’s all part of the extended foreplay. Making out to the point of life-threatening dehydration and asphyxiation is your new normal. The kissing will, without a doubt, last much longer than the sex. 

Mood-Ring Nips
Now, your first time could be very confusing (given how overwhelmed with pleasure you’ll be.) But not to worry, you’ll have a litmus test in the form of the tips of your breasts. Whether your nipples are stiffening in aroused anticipation, hard enough to cut paper, peaking as they are exposed, or just pressing visibly against your top, it’ll be no problem for your sexy man to know exactly how you’re feeling. 

Forget the prep
Don’t be foolish enough to think that you actually need to prepare for intercourse. Foreplay can be foregone, depending on the reading from your omniscient nips. Wattpad will tell you that absolutely nothing should take your attention away from acting uninterested in (but secretly totally into) the man of your dreams. Lube? Nope. Protection? Never. That’s right, skip the pharmacy and cancel that doctor's appointment (too much research needed to write). All you need to get down and dirty with your boy-band man is a wallflower demeanour and a lack of parental supervision. And if you do have an accidental pregnancy, it’ll do wonders for the plot. 

“Cock” is blocked
For your first time as a grown woman, you obviously will be too embarrassed to even think the word penis, never mind cock! But Wattpad has you covered with classy alternatives, so feel free to insert as needed: manhood, length, girth, pillar of flesh, hard steel, shaft, organ, phallus, appendage, hardness, column, rod, winky eye, third eye, wang, meat. Combine with “twitching” or “erect” as needed. Oh, and we can’t forget the classiest of terms: his throbbing member.

The first time is the best time
Virgin who? You’re not just any novice, you’re a natural-born seductress. No awkward fumbling in the dark here, and definitely no smells ever. Expect a symphony of sensation — an intoxicating blend of full-body pleasure and passion. The right caress of your elbow alone will have you moments from climax. Undulating waves of pleasure will crash over you, without so much as a mention of the clitoris. Lucky for you, your brooding bad boy is a sex guru. After all, if there’s anything teenage boys are good at, it's sex. 

This article first appeared in Issue 5, 2024.
Posted 3:00pm Saturday 23rd March 2024 by Jodie Evans and Ruby Werry.