Fat pants. The Warehouse’s finest. Whatever you call them, I think they are disgusting. You know what I’m talking about; those dirty grey fleecy-lined track pants that everyone seems to be sporting these days. Retailing for $8.50 during the holy grail of yellow dot sales, a recently conducted survey (that didn’t involve me leaving my flat) suggests that 90% of Otago University students own at least one pair.
Although originally aimed at the kind of creepy men you would avoid on public transport, they have now been adopted by both trendy girls and too-cool guys and are making the elderly shudder everywhere they look. They seem to be a very versatile item of fashion and can be dressed up or down, depending on whether they are paired with jandals or the equally fluffy ugg boots. A personal favourite is when they are teamed with a Karen Walker necklace: you’re wearing a necklace that is worth more than my car (don’t judge), but you’re wearing pants that belong in South Dunedin.
For the boys, another great look is when their jiggling bulge lets you know they are rocking the bare balls look underneath. Due to the high quality of the materials, regular machine washing is usually avoided, which creates a crusty pungent musk embedded deep in the fibres. For the life of me, I can’t understand why. They make thin girls look chubby, and chubby girls look like Kirstie Alley. I know how vain our generation is and have seen how quickly we untag unflattering Facebook photos, but the trendy of today are still willing to wear these heinous ragtag homeless man pants. Unless you actually do sit on the bus muttering under your breath, take them off. And don’t even think of replacing them with tights as pants.
No More Fat Pants
