Breathology 101: A Crash Course in Breathaism

Breathology 101: A Crash Course in Breathaism

Okay dudes, so hear me out: I’m in a bit of a bind over here, ‘cause I may or may not have just kidnapped a breatha, and I don’t have a lot of time until he figures out how to open the (unlocked) door and escape. From his cries of “Oi bros, watch this!” I think he’s about to try punching through the wall, but that may just be for fun. We have turned up the DnB and chucked some Billy Mavs in there to keep him entertained in the meantime. I have taken it upon myself to record and translate his behaviour to give you, dear readers, an authentic introduction to the Dunners Breathosphere. Fuck, is – is he pissing right now?

Breathology 101 Course Outline:


First up, whether you’re a breatha or a sheatha it’s essential to have come from an upper-middle class family. After all, who else is going to pay off your myriad of fines? Property damage and misdemeanours are spennies, and let’s face it: you’re never getting your bond back. Once you’ve got that sussed, throw it all the fuck away to voluntarily live in crust-punk tier poverty for the next three years! Make sure to enrol in a BComm in Management or Economics, or even a Bachelor of Surveying if you’re feeling extra wild. But, be warned that it could cut into your precious hangover time. Not that you’re actually gonna go to lectures, but Echo360 feels like Echo36,000 when your head is fucking spinning on your mate’s couch. 

Base Camp

You’ve gotta make sure you live on one of the rowdiest, breathiest streets of North D. If you drew it out on a map, circling from Dundas, Leith and Castle across to Forth and all the way down to Clyde and Hyde, it looks kinda like a cock and balls. This is the perfect breathasect for all your dicking around. Round up at least four equally munted strangers to cohabitate with, ensuring that all or most have concerning nicknames. Think Couch, Roach, Nitro, Ticket, Pissboy… you know, something the folks will love. Once you’ve got yourself a drafty rundown villa, the next step is furnishing it! Just kidding. Whatever mouldy sofas are already inside (or outside) will suffice, and milk crates can do the rest. Tables are the sworn enemy of the breatha, and must be avoided or destroyed at all costs (unless they’re for beer pong, of course). A generous sprinkling of beer cans, cartons, and empty UberEats bags, and BAM! Home breathe home.


Breatha fashion is a blend of Hallensteins, booze merch, and boganism. Make sure to guard your Rodd & Gun cap with your life, and wear it during winter and even at night. A blazer is essential, especially when worn over a t-shirt and shorts. Yes king, stunt that pussy. When travelling to kick ons with the boys, everyone must be wearing accidentally matching outfits, walking in pack formation. It’s like a little breatha parade, and one of nature’s must-see spectacles. Costumes are essential too, and must be forced into any event possible. Go for a LookSharp hot dog or banana to let everyone know you’re a funny, goofy guy, and the most original person in the room full of bananas and hot dogs. Don’t forget the Peaky Blinders getup, and get the most use out of it possible by wearing the lil flat cap around everywhere like an old man on the way to the pub at 4pm. Oh, and laundry is optional bro. Memories are temporary, but mystery stains are forever.


Read this section while listening to a shitty DnB mix, because that is the soundtrack to your life now. Firstly, forget everything you’ve learnt about nutrition, because apparently a man can survive on nothing but meat, pasta, and disposable vapes for three years straight. Plus, when you inevitably get salmonella and/or scurvy, you can play it cool in front of the bros and say it’s just mono from a fresher. The lads will all have a good chuckle at the fetishisation of teenagers. Hahahaha. Unfortunately, there are no freshers at pint night, which is where you’ll be every Wednesday. Remember: everything is a mosh, and dancing to the actual beat is for filthy BAs. Better flail your arms around and spill some Speights on someone too, for good measure. You’re gonna look so cool on your mate’s blurry snap story in the morning. Weekends, however, are for the boys, and by ‘the boys’ we mean substance abuse, which is needed to enjoy Castle DnB. Wear matching outfits with the besties, vomit on someone new, and don’t forget to take T-breaks. Fuck it, might as well take a T break from showering and sleeping in your own bed, ‘cos lord knows you won’t. It’s not like you have a bedframe, anyway. 




Stay tuned for Breathology 202, and – Oh fuck me, he got out. Shit, guys, I repeat: the breatha just got out. God fucking damnit, he took my vape, too. While we take a minute to hose down the office and sprinkle a trail of gear to lure the next one in, we hope you’ve enjoyed this intro to Breathology. We’ll post the second lecture when we can find another test subject. By the way, our office is filled with unclaimed, fully charged vapes, KFC zinger boxes, and so many large bass-boosted speakers that we can’t possibly keep track of them all. Aight peace, I’m going for a long, long walk and leaving the empty office unlocked… 

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2022.
Posted 2:52pm Monday 15th August 2022 by Lotto Ramsay.