Jan 20 - Feb 18

Fuck your exams. Send it away, have a drink or 26. Don’t listen to logic or reason. You’re a party rocker and you’re in the house tonight.

Summer activity: going on a three month bender



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Have courage in what you’ve been sending out into the universe. It may seem that the odds are against you right now, but that’s just the Jupiter and Mercury retrograde fucking up. In a few weeks, all will be swell.

Summer activity: being a hot and sexy girlboss



Mar 21 - Apr 19

It’s time to check in with your personal morals and loyalty. Have you been hanging out with someone you shouldn’t have? Talking shit about someone you shouldn’t have? I thought so, it’s time to reassess things.

Summer activity: working at a grocery store



Apr 20 - May 20

Much like this semester, I have nothing but dull and boring things to say about you. Keep doing your thang, Taurus. You are a symbol of consistency, determination and logic.

Summer activity: drinking tea and writing the next great novel



May 21 - Jun 20

All I have to say is what the fuck are you doing? It’s time to reassess your life choices and do some serious thinking. What a shitstorm.

Summer activity: intense therapy



Jun 21 - July 22

It’s only a matter of time until you’re out of this shit hold. Godspeed my friend, on this final stretch. May you make it through until the end.

Summer activity: obtaining serotonin



July - Aug 22

It’s the compulsive spending and never-ending screaming for me. But I guess it’s your world and we’re all just living in it.

Summer activity: starting up your career as an influencer



Aug 23 - Sep 22

You’ve made some tough decisions over the past couple of weeks, and may have experienced the end of a friendship or relationship. But never fear, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and what will be will be.

Summer activity: finding yourself



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Who the fuck do you think you are? Pick a personality and stick to it. One can only describe you as a freak show.

Summer activity: learning better coping mechanisms



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You need to stop being so rushed and flustered. Things can wait, and things take time. Not everyone is running on your schedule, and some ease may be required when learning how others work.

Summer activity: resting, relaxing and recuperating



Nov 22 - Dec 21

There’s this thing in life called boundaries. You should learn about them, and apply them to your personal relationships. Trust me, it’ll do wonders!

Summer activity: fruit picking on an orchard



Dec 22 - Jan 19

After exam season, loosen up. Summer is no time to be analytical, critical or judgey. Have some fun and live a little.

Summer activity: running away to live in the bush

This article first appeared in Issue 26, 2021.
Posted 3:47pm Sunday 10th October 2021 by Critic.