Sexcellent | Issue 22

Sexcellent | Issue 22

A touchy sub-ject

Dear Sexcellent, 

I’m a straight dude, but I think I’m into being submissive when it comes to sex, not that I’ve ever tried in real life. What should I do? How can I talk to my girlfriend about this without her thinking I’m weird? 

-From Submissive Sam


Dear Submissive Sam 

First of all, your sexual orientation isn’t determined by the kind of sex you’re into. Why are you worried about your girlfriend thinking you are weird? If you think it makes you “less of a man,” don’t worry. There are plenty of men who are submissive. Unfortunately there is a common narrative that women are inherently submissive and subservient, and that men are should be dominant and alpha, otherwise something is wrong. The truth is that men and women aren’t inherently dominant or submissive. 

I would suggest you explore your sexual desires in a safe and comfortable environment. This could mean looking through some pornography or trying out some scenarios with a partner. Just make sure you’re doing what makes you feel good safely. Having a sexual partner you are comfortable talking to about your sexual desires is fantastic. Being able to be open and honest with your partner will almost always lead to a better and more gratifying sexual experience. 

The best way to talk to your girlfriend about it is to just do it. I can’t say what her reaction will be, but it’s definitely something you should discuss. At the moment, for all you know she could be super into it - you might have been dating a secret dom all along. She might be keen to roleplay with you, or just to take on a slightly more dominant role in the bedroom. On the other hand, she might not be into being a dominant sexual partner at all and she could be a little uncomfortable with your newfound desires. When you have a moment, just bring it up and see how she reacts.

I also just want to clarify, being a submissive is a role within a BDSM relationship. Being submissive during sex doesn’t mean that you have to do anything you don’t want to do. Good BDSM relationships rely on consent, and revolve around what the submissive is comfortable with. The sub decides the boundaries and parameters, and the sub decides when it’s too much and needs to stop. 

For more detailed information about consent and BDSM, check out this website:

Good luck, be safe and have fun,  

-S xx

This article first appeared in Issue 22, 2016.
Posted 12:12pm Saturday 10th September 2016 by Sexcellent.