Dear Sexcellent,
My boyfriend watches pornography, and I feel uncomfortable about that. Am I not enough? Is this like cheating on me?
From Feeling Blue
Dear Feeling Blue,
If you are in a relationship with someone whose behaviour makes you uncomfortable, you need to have a conversation with that person about it. This is my first piece of advice - talk it out.
However, I do have some general thoughts on pornography to share with you. Going back thousands of years, people have always drawn, carved, written or in some way depicted sexual activity between humans to look at and enjoy the viewing of. Pornography has always existed.
Today, there is a range of technology that has allowed pornography to become more graphic, physical and consumable. You can literally find videos of people doing any kind of act that you may have a fetish or interest in. Whether or not this is a good thing, I do not know. Pornography can certainly be problematic. However, with the sexualised nature of media and the world these days, people, and young men specifically, are exposed to pornographic material at an increasingly younger age. The point I am trying to make here is that whatever you might think about pornography and the content of it, it’s really normal for people to watch it—especially men.
If your boyfriend is watching pornography instead of having sex with you, then maybe you need to talk to him about why that is. Pornography consumption is something that a lot of men do, and it’s part of their life and routine. It can be a very private and personal thing. Many would not see it as cheating and certainly wouldn’t be thinking that you weren’t enough for them in real life.
You should never force yourself into a relationship you are uncomfortable with. You need to talk to your boyfriend and discuss with him what the issue is, and if he is not willing you change, you need to consider if you are willing to change. Is this guy worth budging on your moral standpoint when it comes to pornography? Is his continued consumption something you can handle in a relationship? These are the things you need to consider.
Good luck and lots of love,
-S xx