Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...

Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...

Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails

Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...

Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch

Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...

Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...

Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...

Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...

Dunedin’s Entire Allocation of Lime Scooters Already Submerged in Leith River

Posted 5:32pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

After the shock announcement that Lime scooters would return to Dunedin streets on Thursday morning, the Tribune arrived at the Leith in time to see two strange men standing outside a white Toyota Hiace with blacked out windows. One by one, they threw their cargo of Limes over the fence and into the Read more...

Local Adrenaline Junkie Lets Fingers Get Dangerously Close to Carrot Grater

Posted 5:33pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Her blood banged in her ears louder than a lecturer testing their microphone, sweat flooded her pores, her mind was alive with the electric-quick rush of danger. Another grate, pushing her right to the edge, that delicious line between life and death.  This is what she lives for. This is the Read more...

“Let’s Go Out Tonight and Stand in the UBar Line!”

Posted 5:36pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Oh my gosh, do you know what the best idea in the world is? Let’s go get drunk and yell about what a bad time we’re having while we wait for hours in the cold and rain to be let into UBar!” said Hamish Glunder to his assembled friends, who all nodded enthusiastically. Read more...