Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer

Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...

Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women  and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...

Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce

Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...

Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...

That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows

Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...

Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate

Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...

Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting

Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune

OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...

Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond

Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...

Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer

Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...

Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance

Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...