Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost

Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...

Fresher Exerts Social Capital by Wearing High School Leavers Jersey Around the Hall

Posted 7:52pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“How else will people know what my nickname is?” questioned Jared, as he headed over to the dining hall. Paired nicely with a tattered super-pass wristband, Jared knew he was being the biggest skuxx in his Auckland Grammar leavers jersey.  Much to Jared’s confusion, two Read more...

Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!

Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...

Student Unsure How Old University Is

Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...

Uni To Open 24/7 Bars In All Student Accommodation

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

In an attempt to prevent students from loitering on the streets at night, Vice-Chancellor Harlene Hayne has announced she will personally install 24/7 bars in all residential colleges, except St Marg’s and Carrington because they are massive nerds. Hayne claimed this move will ensure students Read more...

Student Gazes Into The Abyss After Being Asked to “Discuss With the Person Sitting Next to You”

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

It was an ordinary day for Rebecca Milnes. She was sitting in her lecture, floating in and out of sleep, contemplating nothing more than which riceball shop to go to for lunch and whether or not the stranger in front of her has nits. Bliss. Then it all went to shit. “Turn to the person sitting Read more...

Local Graphic Designer Pays Rent With Exposure Earned From Latest Job

Posted 7:28pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Dunedin graphic designer Charlotte Troyer is absolutely stoked to be paying her first rent check with all that exposure she earned by providing hours of artwork to a new business. “Yeah, it’s great,” Charlotte told reporters. “The company I did the artwork for said that Read more...

ODT Reporter Fired After Failing To Include A Single Pun In 10 Consecutive Stories

Posted 7:29pm Saturday 5th May 2018 by Critic

Otago Daily Times local news reporter Barry O’Barrigan was terminated from his position last Thursday following reports that he had been deliberately and maliciously refusing to include wordplay or puns in any of his story headlines. Editor-In-Chief Barry Stewart pointed out one egregious Read more...

PC Gone Mad? Dunedin High School Bans All RTDs Over 5%

Posted 5:42pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

In a controversial move which has many human rights activists up in arms, Otago Boys’ High School has announced that all RTDs containing over 5% Alcohol will be banned from school grounds. “We’ve had a number of issues with Year 9 students turning up to class off their chops on Read more...

David Seymour Says He “Enjoys Dancing and Other Normal Human Activities”

Posted 5:45pm Thursday 26th April 2018 by Critic

ACT Party Leader and Entire ACT Party, David Seymour, says he is looking forward to his appearance on Dancing with the Stars. “It will bring me much joy to make movements with my limbs and body to music. Most humans enjoy this and I do also.” The popular TV dancing show was largely Read more...