A group of flatmates have given up hope their dildo will be found safe and well. They remember it fondly.
The dildo, described by William as “about eight inches long, fluorescent, a translucent pink colour with veins going down the side, with no balls, a classically sized girth, realistic pulled back foreskin, and very, very strong suction” went missing from its Harbour Terrace home on 24 July following a flat party. If you come into contact with a dildo matching this description, you are urged to contact Campus Watch.
It was last seen attached via suction to the outside wall of the seven-man flat at around 11pm on 24 July. Despite an intensive search around and on the roof of the property, it could not be recovered. However, according to members of the flat, Marcus was blamed for causing the disappearance either directly or indirectly. There is no evidence to back up this claim and Marcus denies it vehemently. It was concluded that the dildo was likely stolen or thrown into a neighbour’s property.
The dildo was given to flat member Josh as a Secret Santa present the year prior. “We had a flat Christmas Secret Santa and everyone brought everyone else a present. One of us got a body pillow, one of us got a bong, and I got a dildo. We’ve treasured it and carried it alongside us,” Josh said.
“We would plant it up on the roof, and when we took it down there were these holes in the roof from its suction. The guy who owned the property asked: ‘Were you guys popping wine corks on the roof or something?’ And we were like ‘ah nah don’t know what it’s from aye’,” he added.
Marcus added: “When we called flat meetings, we would pull out the dildo. It’s the meeting button.”
But at this stage six weeks later, the boys no longer hope for its safe return. They fear that the trauma it has experienced in its absence may render it a different dildo. “I think at this point [after] what happened to it, it won’t be the same,” William said.
“We don’t want it back.”