Reports from frightened freshers have highlighted the concerning increase in Butter hats and Birks across Central Library’s floors. “I didn’t know they knew where campus was!” said Tim, a first-year and future breatha from Studholme, telling Critical Tribune he’s “never seen so many moustaches in [his] life.” Just wait Tim, your time will come.
For once, the fresher had a point. Foot-traffic monitors have noted a 69% increase of people leaving Castle Street throughout the day. A notable jump from the 42.0% increase this time last semester. With realisations that this is the last week of class before exam leave spreading quickly, Castle Street’s most infamous are increasingly being spotted out of their natural habitat.
And sightings aren’t just coming from the library. It seems the great pilgrimage back home has come early this year, with more cars seen leaving North Dunedin for Mosgiel than ever before. “I just had to get out, there was no way I could fail BSNS112 a third time,” said one breatha. BCom is harder than it looks, apparently.
Whether drop out rates are soaring or more people are being put on academic probation is unclear. But one thing is certain: not a soul will soon be present on Castle (besides the roaches and rats). With less breathas around North Dunedin and more returning to the motherland (and the library), Castle Street is resembling its former self: the Monday after O-Week at 9am.
Interestingly, positive STI results and ED wait times have been on a decline since this wave of “locking in”. The spread of chlamydia usually reaches even the farthest parts of the finance department and yet, even the management girls haven’t had a case in weeks. It’s the same story for all of the big three. Positive gonorrhoea and herpes results have also been on a decline since late September. Coincidence? Critical Tribune thinks not.
With less marketing girlies strutting the street in their latest Glassons’ find, breathas have been left with nothing else to grind but their books. A positive turn of events for both beezies and the local health system alike.