In the wake of the recent Health Sci CELS191 terms test, worth a life-threatening 20%, freshers have somehow conspired to be exponentially more annoying than usual. The mass march from St. David’s to Castle has become an even more hazardous obstacle for the rest of the student population, as the horde moves closer to running pace in a pathetic attempt to maximise study time.
Many Arana Health Sci scholars will be filing for compassionate consideration, after hall residents have claimed that they are being distracted by a ghost residing in the elevator. Eyewitness reports state that the “being” whispers to those riding the elevator. Especially frequent victims appear to be stoners and pissheads.
While many pundits will dismiss such rumours as outrageous, residents of one of the college’s flats say a supernatural being is the only rational explanation for the phenomenon occurring on their lawn. On more than one occasion, large deposits of human faeces have turned up uninvited on the poor first-year group’s garden. In an impressive display of flawless logic, the authorities have placed the flat on alcohol ban. Unsurprisingly the poos have not subsided.
Many of the delightful stories offered to you in this outstanding feature are vulgar, and indeed frequently involve feral accounts of sexual activities. For a change of scenery, this next story is a touching one about the first rush of love and the inevitable heartbreak associated with first-year relationships. One highly intoxicated individual thought he had met the woman of his dreams when he stumbled across a lost dog in town (read: actual canine, not slutty UniCol swamp-donkey from Malbas).
Feeling romantic, and a tad aroused, the boy escorted the mutt to the 2-4 and bought a box of wedges to share at the top of the Knox Church stairs. As well as food, the inebriated gentleman even offered his new acquaintance his jacket for warmth. But, in a blurry haze of lust and goon, the man slipped and tumbled down the stairs, landing in a puddle of third year’s piss. Dazed and bruised, the man raised out his arm in search for his new lover’s assistance, only to see the bitch still gorging herself on wedges. Unfortunately this is not the first case of caring freshers only being used for their salty bits.
Be careful out there.
Bouncing off the Halls - 7
