According to a statement from the University to Critical Tribune, the ice rink (included in fees from Semester Two onwards) will “reduce seasonal depression, boost morale and give physio students something to do other than keg stands.”
Critical Tribune speculates that this foray into ice skating is a result of the University trying to appeal to whatever Gen Z is into. With TV shows Heated Rivalry and Off Campus thrusting (LOL) ice sports into the spotlight, University-led planning allegedly identified “ice smut” as one of the most cost-effective ways to improve mental wellbeing.
Fourth year Surveying student, Guy Chilla, tipped off Critical Tribune that the University enlisted the help of SURV420 students to identify an appropriate location for the rink. Guy explained that “the Uni didn’t have to pay us like they would for actual Engineers, and stuff. They just told us to ‘go ham’ and find a somewhat decent spot”.
Multiple locations were considered for the rink. The Museum Lawn was the preferred location for most of the search, due to it being a "permanent ice rink in winter anyways”. However, these plans were thwarted when the museum staff expressed concern about visitors “accidentally eating shit” on the ice while trying to enter the museum.
Ultimately, the courtyard in between the Clocktower and Quad lecture theatres was selected, as Campus Watch could fence it off on weekends from drunk students. Critical Tribune also received an allegation that senior leadership staff preferred this location as watching people fall over is way more entertaining than running the University is. The University declined to respond to this allegation.
Construction is expected to begin imminently, with expected completion expected to align with the premiere of Heated Rivalry’s second season. The University assured naysayers that this is a wise investment of fees, claiming that “there’s free ice for like half the year naturally anyways. #Sustainable”, and “those caution ice likely signs are surprisingly fucking expensive.”
With construction breaking ground next week, Critical Tribune can exclusively reveal the rink will be called “On Campus”. Time to lace up those skates and find a date.
