For nearly ten years, Melody Thomas has been talking about sex and relationships. If she keeps that up for another 91 years, she’ll be a lot like Critic Te Ārohi. Melody’s the creator and host of the Good Sex Podcast, so we were pleased to have a yarn about all things intimate from hacking the Hinge algorithm, to body counts, to rough sex.
The Good Sex Podcast is in its third season, and each episode explores a theme and its attached stigma. Melody unpacks topics through chats with regular people, ranging from ages 19 to 75, as well as with experts. She feels strongly that her work has opened the way for tricky and interesting conversations, recalling a chat she had with a woman who realised she had vaginismus after watching Sex Education, and then with someone who used AI to “game the Hinge algorithm” to get better matches for herself.
We all have an “internal compass” when it comes to sex, sexuality and relationships, Melody explained. Our body knows what it likes – “There's basically no better guide than pleasure.”
As a bit of a taster for some of the other topics Melody broaches, here’s a few topics covered in the wide world of Good Sex.
Why am I having less sex than everyone else?
Well, you’re not alone in feeling that way – 51% of Critic census respondents thought the same. “Everyone thinks that everyone else is having heaps of sex,” Melody said, especially within our “highly, performatively sexual culture”. There is no “normal” amount of sex. Instead, Melody recommended that we should be focusing on “the quality of these sexual experiences we are having”, rather than how often we have them.
Is sex in real life the same as in porn?
The majority of students who watch porn daily have never had sex, and Melody thinks this is dangerous. “Porn is a performance,” she said. “If you're not sexually active, and if you haven't had open conversations, or good sex education at school, then maybe you don't know that.”
Melody explained that the misconceptions that have arisen out of porn have manifested in our sexual encounters through unconsensual choking, or pressure to have anal sex – despite women being wary of pain, discomfort or potential injury. It’s important to remember that porn doesn’t capture how sex actually “happens between people in the room,” Melody noted. Instead of consuming videographic porn, she’s a big supporter of smut and other alternative forms of porn that provide “a framework”. With that framework in place, let your imagination do the work. “The brain is the biggest sex organ,” Melody assured.
Any thoughts on deep fakes?
While Melody has always thought it was bad advice to simply tell people not to send nudes to avoid winding up naked on the Internet, even that advice is “just totally redundant now”. With the rise in AI, “any photo can become a deep fake.”
Melody emphasised that being deepfaked is not at all on the victims. Instead, blame should be placed on the people willing to make and share these. Innovative technology is already being developed to deal with deepfakes, although it's a “shame” such actions need to be taken. “We’ve just got to wait for some of those protective measures to catch up.”
What’s the difference between exclusive and official?
Melody actually hadn’t heard this question before, but felt that the differences in labels actually just boils down to “a little bit of denial”. Unfortunately what “situationship” actually means remains a mystery to her (and all of us). However, she guessed it was “something like friends with benefits”, and added that a bit of FWB action can be a “lovely arrangement” – so long as everyone knows where they stand.
How important are labels?
“We have always used language to navigate a really complex world,” Melody explained. In the context of sexuality, finding the label that suits you can be “a huge relief.” Although she admitted that the end goal could be to eventually not need the labels, and just “accept all the diversity in this world”, she believes that labels actually do have a lot of value for some people. She reckoned that’s especially true when it comes to communicating who you are to other people. Essentially, labelling is entirely up to you.
Should I be testing for STIs?
Melody thought that the Critic census figure of 61% of students reporting that they had never been tested for an STI is “far too high”. “If you're gonna have fun with multiple partners, perhaps unprotected, then you should definitely be getting tested,” she said. Do better, Otago. Don’t we all want to have some fun?
How much does body count matter?
According to Melody, body count is an entirely arbitrary concept that stems from “outdated patriarchal bullshit and purity culture that we could really do with leaving behind.” People often use analogies of toothbrushes, or keys in locks, to describe women’s body count. However, Melody emphasised that “sexuality is not a finite resource. It doesn't get tarnished from more use.”
What can students do about sexual harm occurring on campus?
As well as believing survivors, it’s also important to take a preventative approach – look out for vulnerable people in any situation. If you’re a man, call out rape culture around – “because men listen to other men”. With the most recent Gender Attitudes Survey identifying a worsening in rape culture since 2023, we all have a part to play in creating a safer environment.
Are men more lonely?
According to Melody, actual statistics show that everyone is as “lonely as each other”. Being something that we all struggle with, loneliness comes down to how we choose to deal with it. Melody added that social media only makes it worse, with near constant feeds of despair. It really is that damn phone. The solution? “For us all to turn away from our phones and towards each other. All of us.”
The recent Gender Attitudes Survey also found that one in three young men believe equality has “gone too far”. Unfortunately, this confronting statistic doesn’t surprise Melody, who believes that “young men are increasingly feeling really disenfranchised”, and rather than directing these feelings at the people in power, they’re looking to blame women and feminism. Melody believes we need to “look at bigger structures like the patriarchy [...] There's just much bigger things at play, and if someone's telling you that the pain you're feeling is all because of women [...] Maybe look a bit closer at the accuracy of that.”
