News

For those students who have better things to do than dress up like a pregnant nun and try to drink their age in standard drinks, Saturday March 19 was just another day. But for the rest of us, it was one of the social highlights of the year.
The amount of creativity that went into decorating Hyde Street for the annual keg race was enough to make you smile. Indeed, it was enough to make one girl shit her pants and coma out in a closet inside “The Slaughterhouse” flat.

 
She may have been feeling a bit awkward the next day but nowhere near as sore as one pair of lovebirds whose rendezvous took a turn for the worse. While making sweet, sweet jelly babies on the roof of the pirate-themed Chum Bucket, they were asked politely by local police to relocate their coital activities to a less hazardous place. God knows why, but the idiotic male tried to do the dash and in the process managed to collapse the corrugated iron beneath him.

 
While the male escaped relatively unharmed, the female was whipped off to A+E for stitches. It is not confirmed whereabouts on her body the injuries were sustained, but debate has arisen within the Chum Bucket as to whether they were to the face or to a place that Critic dare not mention.

 
Though when you think about it, if you put in excess of 2000 alcohol-enraged young adults in a small space, there’s bound to be hanky panky. That may explain why so many tales told by Hyde Street residents involve the act of mating. One group of young scarfies are now without their 42” plasma TV after two costumed lovers lost control mid-root and smashed into it. One must question why the boys had such a luxury in their flat to begin with, but we at Critic hope it was the result of an effective use of course-related costs.

 
The “Flintstones” flat at the south end of the street were fortunate to escape such losses but were still left bewildered by what was taking place within their flat’s walls. Alarmed resident Logan Edgar had nothing to say when a fellow partygoer ran up to him screaming,“ Mate, there’s a big purple dinosaur having sex on your bed!”  Despite being an avid dinosaur fan, Logan had no time to enjoy what was on offer, as at that moment his flat’s garage roof suddenly caved in.
 

Eyewitness reports claim that over twenty people were on the rusty roof when it collapsed, falling three metres into the garage beneath: “ People heard it at the end of the street, there was a mushroom cloud and people screaming everywhere”. Amazingly, no serious injuries were reported other than a cut-up arm. “Fuck, someone could’ve died. What a great yarn that would’ve been.”