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As we get older, we look back fondly on our first year days living in a hall of residence as some of the best we had. Our lives were so comfy, living as we did with insulation, heating and sluts, the kind of things you take for granted until you go flatting. I mean, how good is waking up in the bed of the “hot ginger” on the third floor and strolling down to have brunch cooked for you on a Sunday by your own personal slaves? All for a measly $350 per week. That’s practically making money.
But such luxuries can be torn away from young freshers faster than you can say, “who the fuck shat in the shower?” Whilst expulsion is rare, it is not uncommon for naughty little first years to be banished to somewhere absolutely terrible for a week, such as Aquinas. Or Salmond. Mostly Aquinas though, that place is the arsehole of the world. While such punishments may seem extreme, it’s apparently a very effective method of disciplining raucous or incontinent little freshers.
 
 
One young man fell prey to UniCol’s zealous wardens when he was caught innocently toking up on a top floor balcony. Unfortunately- yet unsurprisingly- his plans to chill out were “foiled” when he was busted by the UniCol Five-0 and sentenced to a week’s torture of living at Aquinas. Credit, however, must be given to the green-fingered first year. Whereas a lesser man might have been broken, this keen botanist showed incredible fortitude, surviving the twice-daily five-hour commute to civilisation and even making some friends. In fact, he made so many friends that he got voted in as floor president. Nice.
 
 
A different fresher was dragged from the cosy nest that is Selwyn and abolished forever, well, until the end of the week. His reported offences included doing stupid shit on the piss and getting put on alcohol ban, drinking more piss while on alcohol ban and trying to hold a massive party in his room while on alcohol ban, and not being very quick on the uptake. While such activities may seem perfectly reasonable to any Business student, the honourable Warden of Selwyn felt otherwise. It is an unsolved mystery where this young scoundrel was sent to, but very unreliable sources tell us he was apparently turfed to South Dunedin, where he had to spend a week fighting manky bogans who resemble cave-trolls for food. Better than Aquinas I suppose.