News

It’s common knowledge that the week after O Week is shit. After all, it’s very hard to make the transfer from a week of constant partying to the cruel, unforgiving world of nine-hour weeks at uni. Ten in the morning no longer means time to crack open another bag of Country Red but instead it’s time to go to class. No longer do random people from your hall sleep with you; sober, they in fact find you repulsive. This sudden reversal in fortunes is a shock for even the most hardened sixth year Marketing and Tourism student. But no one feels the pain more than the rosy little first years who have naively been planning how to get into Med School AND have a social life. In the week after O Week they suddenly realise they will have to choose one or the other.
What makes the week after O Week even more arse is the fact that the entire population of North Dunedin becomes infected with what scientists scientifically refer to as the “fresher flu”. This highly evolved microbe, endemic in Dunedin, feeds off the weakened immune system of severely hungover people. Symptoms include blocked sinuses, fever, headache and regretting recent sexual encounters with that fatty from UniCol.

 
That being, one poor first year jock may be suffering more than the usual portion of regret after sleeping with a mad bitch who refused to accept any excuse for his failing to pleasure her. Said rugby jock type was on his way to getting his jollies off inside the lucky lady when he inexplicably put his shoulder out and collapsed on top of her in a quivering pile of agony. Yet despite the roars of pain bellowing from her partner, this girl was not satisfied with the encounter just yet so she whacked the poor bastard’s arm back into its socket, mounted him and finished herself off. Sweet Jesus.

 
While halls like to put firm rules in place in order to keep rampant first years under
some sort of control, certain of these guidelines have to be questioned. One example is an odd mandate at Arana. Eyewitness reports have informed us that those of the female gender must now squat and urinate in sinks, while those of the male persuasion are encouraged to use the common-room piano. The reasoning behind these rules is unknown, as before I was able to get to the bottom of the mystery I was removed from the property by an Arana official. It appears they didn’t appreciate my cutting-edge journalism. Oh well. Fuck Arana.