News

This edition of “Bouncing off the Halls” was supposed to appear in next week’s Critic, but at short notice senior management sent us out into the field to see what we could find, and they weren’t disappointed.

Kicking things off, we were told that a little while ago some eager little UniColian snagged himself a lady friend in town, and took her back to his pathetic excuse for a room in order to fertilise her eggs with his friendly sea monkeys. The cheeky little juvenile got so excited about letting his little fellas out of the tank that he decided to take one of his fingers on a exploratory trip in to the interior of the forbidden forest, in order to maximise her pleasure.
 
Not particularly thrilled about having a three-inch replica of the ‘haka peep show’ inserted in her rectum, the infuriated specimen decided an ‘eye for an eye’ was the appropriate disciplinary measure, and proceeded to dig her fingernail into his prostate. Reports indicate that every resident on the floor awoke to the ensuing howling.
 
Stupidity is an affliction rampant among first years, with only chlamydia more common among the denizens of the colleges. However, it appears this disease has now spread to second years, with worrying implications for the future of humanity. It is possible that the source of the outbreak is the emerging tradition on Castle Street, where second years host inductions for the first years moving into their flats next year.
 
Six easily misled girls from UniCol were inducted recently, in front of a decent sized crowd of onlookers. The girls had to compete against each other in several challenges, with the chugging of a bottle of vino quickly followed by shuttle runs and durry races, and bonus rounds of shotgunning included as a crowd pleaser. Sculling powdered milk was also on the list, but due to the presence of mould the girls were given the option to remove their tops instead. In true UniCol fashion, the girls had their mammary glands out before the hosts had even finished explaining the change to the schedule.
 
The participants were also offered additional points for vomiting on each other, and at the conclusion of the challenges the winner had one slit shaved into her eyebrow, with each progressive position receiving an additional slit. The unfortunate who placed last lost the whole eyebrow, while one slippery character managed to escape before receiving her punishment. The public are being requested to pass on any information as to the whereabouts of this individual to Critic or the residents of Castle Street so that her induction can be completed.