Older students often tend to blame many of the problems in life on freshers, and for good reason. Freshers are frequently guilty of ruining bars, pushing rent prices up by signing flat leases in April, and of giving you that insatiable itch around your pubic region after a SoGo fuelled dalliance with some 17-year old Tourism student from Gore.
Recently, however, freshers are mostly being blamed by disgruntled Castle Street second years for just about everything that went wrong at the Keg Party in Re-O week. The freshers, who are generally unwelcome at the notoriously second and third year dominated event, turned out in force in what appeared to be a coordinated attempt to ruin things for everyone else.
One resident reported approximately seventy eggs being smashed in his room by first year twats, while another bystander-cum-meteorologist reported that the snow that melted attendance numbers was also squarely due to the presence of annoying first years. At least one renegade partygoer, however, was openly pleased with the presence of first years, as well as an unusually high number of South Dunedin slags, stating that both groups were “real easy to get into”.
In a similar vein, one girl from an anonymous hall managed to “get into” a top rugby player not too long ago. The savvy BCom fresher not only stole his heart but it is suspected that she also stole his v-plates, as he is absolutely infatuated with her and inexplicably paid for her flights to South Africa so that she could watch him roll around in the mud with other overly muscular, sweaty men. Lucky.
In a rare piece of praise, Critic has officially rewarded a certain girl from UniCol with four respect points after a guy on her floor passed out, landing on her ankle and breaking it. The hardy (and presumably extremely shit-faced) girl then proceeded to carry the unconscious male all the way back to UniCol. It wasn’t until the next morning, after removing her face from a vomit-filled rubbish bin and hobbling down to Urgent Doctors, that she found out that her ankle was in fact fucked. Epic.
On a more serious note our thoughts are with everyone at Selwyn currently. Recently, the college cat “Eddy” was found in a sorry state, with an abundance of cuts, grazes and fur missing from his head. Rumours have spread that this was the work of another hate crime activist from Carrington who recently failed Chem191 and decided to take it out on the innocent kitty. Less reliable sources suggest it was purely the result of a scrap with another cat in the area. We wish Eddy all the best in his recovery.
If you have any hilarious stories about stupid freshers you would like to see in Critic, send them to laurence.holding@critic.co.nz.
Bouncing off the Halls - 16
