The University of Ota-goon has announced an Official State of Emergency after a “catastrophic outbreak” of brainrot left hundreds of students unable to form original sentences, instead communicating exclusively through TikTok sounds and vintage Tumblr quotes.
In a press conference yesterday, Vice-Chancellor Papa Robbie confirmed to Critical Tribune that Castle, Leith, and the surrounding streets had been placed under full quarantine. “Students are to remain indoors, confined to their own spaces if possible, until they can string together a coherent paragraph,” he said, wearing a face mask. “If you hear the phrases ‘skibidi’ ‘gyatt’, ‘6 7’, or ‘tung tung tung sahur,’ do not engage. Evacuate immediately.”
The crisis escalated after a 100-level Biochemistry class spontaneously devolved into cheers when a lab dem asked a question and the entire room simultaneously replied: “It’s corn, a big lump with knobs.” Witnesses say one student began convulsing when asked to turn off their split screen of a Subway Surfers screen recording, while most of the class have been exclusively travelling via Griddy.
To contain the outbreak, the University has introduced Brainrot Checkpoints at all entrances to Uni buildings, where students are forced to read aloud one passage from an early modern philosopher of their choosing. To pass, they must not interject with unnecessary references. Failure results in immediate isolation in a “No Internet Zone” set up far, far, away at Aquinas College.
The Dunedin Hospital has set up a dedicated ward for severe cases. Doctors report patients pacing the halls muttering “Oh that's not…”. Staff are said to have tried to introduce Shakespeare's plays as a remedy. One nurse said, “After initially administering the literature, they asked if ChatGPT could summarise it.”
Some academics are calling for compassion rather than punishment. Masters of Politics student Mao Ze Stalin argued that brainrot is an inevitable cultural evolution. “We shouldn't quarantine them," she insisted. “We should instead celebrate the fact that we are the first university in the country to have students evolving to their final form as big bosses of brainrot.”
The government is yet to intervene, but Minister of Rizz Leo Brick suggested brainrot could be “a useful distraction from the fact most students are too poor to buy vegetables and we are therefore seeing a resurgence of scurvy.”
As of this morning, the University is urging anyone still capable of reading a book with more words than pictures to come forward and assist in “reintroducing literacy” to the wider student population. Supplies of clothbound Penguin Classics have been shipped to the Clocktower, though early reports suggest most were immediately torn apart and used for junk journaling.