News

I’m not a religious man. Magic and imaginary friends have never really been my thing. But I’ll be the first to admit it’s a goddamn miracle that no poor bastard has broken their ankle crossing the newly refurbished Leith Bridge.

What was wrong with it in the first place is beyond me but apparently they needed a month of construction work to create a nice pointed surface to walk on. This has made the sprint to get the front row seats in HUBS191 all the more hazardous, and is putting our little fresher friends at an increased risk of being that “crutches-guy/girl” in their hall.
 
Speaking of risk, your chances of catching something are pretty high if you sleep with Cumberland’s latest sex star. The man in question is apparently refraining from washing his (black) sheets, as he is determined to see how many jizz patches he can accumulate from rooting different girls.
 
Turning to more serious matters, the usual routine has begun whereby smelly wee freshers begin flat-hunting to try and “ get a good one before they’ re all gone”. Apart from the fact that it gives landlords an excuse to put rent up even more, this tradition is also very annoying for current residents, who have to put up with the awkward visits from over-enthusiastic little fuckwits three times a day.
 
Given this harassment, it’s not uncommon for second and third years to play tricks on these unsuspecting first years by answering the door nude, or pretending to snort cocaine off the coffee table. One group of boys took this to a whole new level by letting a member of the flat answer the door naked whilst his little soldier stood to attention. Lets just hope the freshers involved were from Selwyn or that might have done some serious mental damage.
 
To most freshers, OUSA means a free wall calendar, some crappy bag full of shit in O-Week and a chance to perve at girls/guys in Unipol. However, one girl from Cumberland has gotten right onboard the OUSA presidential election bandwagon, using Facebook to private message a candidate asking for a root. She may not have a firm grasp on the concept of subtlety, but with that go-getter attitude I’m sure she’ll have a firm grasp on something else at the Monkey Bar this weekend.