Salmond Lashes Out Following Food Review

Salmond Lashes Out Following Food Review

“Don’t fuck with the Mond”

Critic Te Ārohi has once again come to blows with a hall after a full kitchen staff meeting was organised to address the magazine’s now infamous food review. The meeting allegedly saw Critic staff being called out by name and staff shed tears after reading the review in the company of others. Staff were also shocked that the hall received such a low rating of 3.6 despite sharing its catering with Knox, a hall which received an average rating of 8.

In Critic Te Ārohi’s colossal undercover food review, we covered all (bar one, sorry Aquinas) of the halls. While Knox averaged an 8 (quality: 9, mouth-feel: 8), Salmond received an average of 3.6 (quality: 2, mouth-feel: 1). The result led to a rather charged letter to the editor, DMs, and in-person conversations which all amounted to “the food review was a fucking scam.” Much of the criticism Critic received pinpointed the fact that, on the day of the review, over half of Salmond had prepared packed lunches due to the fact that it was Mac n Cheese day.
In staunch defence of their kitchen, Salmond staff told Critic Te Ārohi that they and Knox are the only halls to still provide cooked breakfast for residents. Big ups. Meanwhile, University-owned halls have suffered, now only serving cooked breakfasts on Sundays. There was apparently a petition by one cooked-breakfast piner at one of those halls a few weeks back. This inequality is largely due to the fact that Salmond and Knox are privately owned by the Council of Knox College and Salmond College, a body with links to the Presbyterian Church of Aotearoa New Zealand. In addition to maintaining cooked breakfasts, Salmond College has undergone a facelift of communal areas over a number of years.

Critic went straight to the horse’s mouth for comment on the matter; our very own Gryffin Powell, writer of the Salmond food review who has since learned that you “don’t fuck with the Mond.” He explained that “as a fresh-eyed Critic writer, I had no idea my Mac n Cheese feed would cause so much controversy. I didn’t really think much of my review once I wrote it. I wrote worse things about Carrington and was more concerned about that.” Gryffin knew shit had spiralled after “someone DMed me calling me a cunt for disrespecting Salmond.” Gryffin had also heard reports of the kitchen staff wanting to “jump him on site.” A true martyr for the cause.

Reflecting on the feud, Gryffin doubled down, saying, “While it’s nice that the hall community is so fiercely loyal, did we all just forget it was over a plate of Mac n Cheese?” Damn, that boy is stone cold in the face of the Salmond mafia – but not stone cold enough it seems: “I’m sorry for all the distress I’ve caused. Don’t fuck with the Mond."

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2024.
Posted 9:42pm Friday 5th April 2024 by Sam Smith-Soppet and Hugh Askerud.