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Freshers are hated by everyone at university, there is no arguing that. Cruelly no freshers understand why this is at the moment, but don’t worry my young squires; it will all make sense next year. To be honest, I don’ t really know exactly why we all hate you, but rest assured we can all spot a fresher a mile away, and by God do they make your blood boil.
One reason might be that most freshers sink piss about as well as an undernourished African
child plays water polo; it’s slow going, hard to watch, and usually ends badly. Case in point; a recent night on the turps left two fresher girls in A&E. I can’t tell you what hall they are from. All I can say is that it’s the one that only takes in ex-prefects, where the residents love themselves, and the name sounds like a zoo in Christchurch. Anyway, the two boozehags had been “ training” that night and found themselves barely clinging onto consciousness as they were teleported to the Emergency department. One of the girls was reported to have the highest blood alcohol level recorded in recent times by the attending physician. However, this is probably because only a stupid and inexperienced fresher would go to A&E. Any normal person would of course head straight to the Monkey, then politely coma out in a Coupland’s dumpster.

 
As the less retarded of you will have noticed, it’s getting cold, dark and scary out there kids. Fucking stupid freshers especially are thus being officially warned to be vigilant whilst out on the streets at night. Special caution is to be advised concerning the latest addition to Dunedin’s long list of crazy people. There have recently been sightings of a scrap metal collector out late at night. Eyewitnesses report that a male of small build, sporting greasy black hair and glasses, has been seen lurking the student area. He is known to dress in a kilt, dress or gaiters, and mutter the phrase “CANS” to himself every time he sees a piece of metal.
 

His goal in life is to apparently steal all the aluminium cans he can find, and his modus operandi is to break into flats and rob drunks of their recycling. Experts at dealing with the “can man” advise residents to put all their cans outside in a pile so he does not need to enter. This character is determined to find cans and will snarl at you if provoked. We also warn those encountering this ghost not to approach; one male in his early twenties informed Critic that he was attacked outside Malbas after trying to take cans from him.
 

You have been warned. Look after yourselves out there young Dunedinites and keep it
scarfie.