Genius Dating Advice for 2017

Fiction | Issue 11

Trying to find that special someone can be a minefield. With every little word and gesture being analysed, not knowing what to say, and your self-doubt nagging at you, it can be tough. But I’m here to share a little advice – one tip that anyone can use in almost any conversation which can really save you in a tight spot. All you have to do is wait for the following cue and then just repeat what I’m about to share. I promise it won’t fail to impress that special someone. This has never failed.


“So, tell me a bit about yourself.”


“My favourite movie is The Matrix. I relate primarily to Neo, a character played by Keanu Reeves. Neo is the main protagonist and a good character, so you know that I am also good because I associate myself with him. When I say my favourite movie is The Matrix, you had better believe it baby. I watch the movie exactly three times a week. I know it word-for- word and I like to say all of Neo’s parts at the same time as him when I watch it. Sometimes when I am at work or just sitting around the house I like to go over the entire movie in my head, paying close attention to Neo’s speaking parts. Sometimes I don’t say any words and just do the facial expressions that Neo does in the film, following along to the movie that is playing in real-time inside my brain. My favourite facial expression parts to do are when he is waking up from being in the matrix for the first time, and also when he’s getting shot in the matrix and is bleeding out his mouth. Performing these expressions of pain and turmoil help me release some of my own feelings. I have gotten some stick at work for this, but they just don’t understand my journey. Neo is a person who is trying to understand the world around him and takes this task very seriously. I am on a similar journey in my life, and so treat Neo’s journey with the reverence it deserves. When I think about The Matrix I go into ‘the Zone’. When I am in ‘the Zone’ I am like a monk whose sense of life and knowledge is like an old man sitting crossed-legged on top of a mountain; I do not laugh and I do not cry. You could do anything – you could say the words ‘poo-poo platter’ into my face and I would not even crack a smile. This state of calm and stoicism is what I strive for. It makes me extremely respectful. I do not speak the words ‘goo-goo’ or ‘ga-ga’ at babies because they deserve the same respect as adults. I will only ever try to engage them on serious topics, or, failing that, I teach their parents about the dangers of public school and encourage them to home- school their children, or at least go private. When I am fully trained I wish to be a hacker like Neo in The Matrix. There are many job opportunities for hackers, so you know I will be well paid in the future. All the hackers I know are very rich, and I know a lot of them because I talk to them online. I believe that modern hackers are like the paladins of old, carrying out sacred duties of truth and justice for all mankind. From this you can know I have a good moral compass. My favourite musical band is Linkin Park and one time I showed my grandparents the lyrics to ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park and told them that this is how I feel when my cousins pick on me every year at Christmas time, and they respected me for this.



command respect from my relatives and dish it out in kind. I will also say that you are looking very fuego right now. ‘Feugo’ is Spanish and it means ‘hot’ – I know a little Spanish. You can tell I’m a cultured and worldly person from my use of conversational Spanish just now. Can we please talk about some of your favourite scenes from The Matrix (1999)?”

This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2017.
Posted 2:28pm Sunday 14th May 2017 by Mat Clarkson.