It’s an age-old fact: flatting in North D can be rough. But here at Otago, we students get creative. We customise, craft, and conquer — armed with Blu-Tack and blind optimism. Despite what the nation’s landlords think, students can be house-proud (especially if you bless us with liveable conditions where we don't get a respiratory illness from the mould xoxo). Those four damp walls bear witness to some of our most treasured memories from our early adulthood. And so, we do our best to make them feel like home.
In a salute to the spirit of student ingenuity, Critic Te Ārohi put out the call for students to submit their best road sign collages, failed herb gardens, and pallet beds – whatever makes a whare truly yours. Think of it like Grand Designs, but with a budget of $12 in leftover loan and more bongs. Our judges spread out across Dunedin to play backyard golf (graciously waived the box on entry fee), gape in awe at real-life homegrown vegetables, and be toured through flats more curated than the MET. While it was tough competition across the range of categories (it’s hard picking between two things) there could only be one winner for each. Critic is proud to present: The Very Best (loose term) of Student Living.
CATEGORY 1: DI-Y the fuck would you do that?
Judged by Molly Smith Soppet
Got a quirky budget build? Maybe you’ve fashioned a coffee table out of an old fridge (still smells like ham), created mood lighting with a New World bag over your lightbulb, or rigged up a clothing rack from a broom and zip ties. “Breathas, do your worst,” Critic said in our call-out. Breathas, as it turns out, are doing their best to prepare for fatherhood: with not one but TWO backyard golf courses to admire the (fake) grass before playing a round, beer in hand.
Contestant One: Joseph Anderson – Mile Hyde DIY Golf Simulator
The Mile Hyde DIY golf simulator is a true show of Kiwi ingenuity, if it was defined by repurposing junk and a bank account too small to book a real tee time. As Critic saw from this entry, this backyard installation is held together by sheer willpower and a handful of leftover materials from Hyde Street Party. Constructed using relics from the School of Surveying (glorified sticks), a bit of PVC piping, a bushel of nails, and exactly two zip ties, the structure stands upright, defying both gravity and common sense. Wet cardboard helps to provide what might generously be called ‘support’, while the pièce de résistance, a net and some artificial grass from Temu, adds a splash of microplastic realism.
Technically, the simulator is ‘portable’, though the bigger question remains: why the fuck would you move it? Functionality-wise, the simulator has been rigorously tested with a mix of real and foam golf balls. Some hit their target, while others ping off the wooden retaining wall like rogue shrapnel coming back to hit shins. Each flatmate claims it’s an essential training tool, helping them get practice in when uni runs long or the days are too cold. The only miracle bigger than the fact it is still standing is the fact that no windows have been harmed and no one’s been hospitalised – yet.
This simulator really shows what a couple of students can do with some junk they find on the street. As the tale goes “one man's trash is another's treasure,” and golly gosh does this entry embody that. With a seating area next to it, it's the perfect place to spend a sunny Thursday afternoon or a dusty Sunday with the lads. Whether or not using this piece of tech would be detrimental to one's golfing skills is neither here nor there; it's all about the vibes and spending time with your mates. And even though the structure seems pretty rickety, it has yet to fall over – and that's all that matters.
Winner: Thomas Simpson – The Blueprint
If Dunedin student flats ever needed to host a Masters tournament, Critic knows who we’d call… The Blueprint. This five-man operation is sporting the most suspiciously lush lawn in Studentville. (Spoiler: it’s faker than a Tinder man’s 6-foot claims.) But what it lacks in chlorophyll, it makes up for in commitment. Meticulously vacuumed and suspiciously smooth, you could “put your balls on it” the contestants claimed – a quote we are 75% sure refers to golf balls.
This astro turf doesn't just look pretty, it's part of a 7-hole golf course across their backyard. And a unique course it is, with each hole having been cursed with random objects. Hole 2? Shoot through a massive pipe. Hole 3? Navigate a rogue plank of wood. Hole 5? Watch out for ‘the grouch’, a grass-covered couch that may or may not be growing shrooms of an unknown variety under one of the cushions. But the crown jewel of this course? Hole 7: a chaotic launch ramp that sends your golf ball soaring into the open drum of a dryer housed in their sacred shed, The Greasy Beaver Lodge.
While Critic witnessed the first hole-in-one on this course when judges dropped in for a visit, it’s not earthquake proof. It smells really funky. But it is the peak of student sports. The boys have advised Critic that green fees are a box on entry and they are considering raising prices as this is a full service golf course. With the flatmates currently studying to become nutritionists, doctors, and med lab assistants (what ever the fuck that means?), as well as a physicist studying how to create another hole, get in while you can as tee times are sure to go quickly.
Judge’s comment: Ding-ding-ding we have our winner! This entry honestly blew my mind. As a Masters fan (I saw TikToks about the dinner menu at the tournament), I was instantly invested. Being welcomed into this backyard started off lacklustre, and I had the stereotypical thought of: “Oh, this is just a shit all boys flat.” Boy, oh boy, I was wrong. The Blueprint is the perfect balance of DI-Why the fuck would you build this and why the fuck wouldn’t you build it if you had the materials on hand? As the turf was sourced from the hockey pitch just down the road, it has been a local labour of love. And because there were only two entries, a golf simulator and a semi-legit golf course, of course the 7-hole course had to win.
CATEGORY 2: Wonder Wall
Judged by Molly Smith-Soppet
No, not the one your male-manipulator-Hinge-date plays you repeatedly on their guitar. We asked students to show us the feature wall that gives the MET a run for its money – with bonus points if it includes some Critic art, of course.
Contestant One: Connor Moffat – Connor’s Shrine to Himself
This wall is a combination of memory, meaning and chaos, in the scrapbook style of a life well-lived. Over time, Critic Sub-Designer and Video Editor Connor has carefully assembled posters, setlists, photos, tickets, and odd little relics from the past year. “Each item holds a story. Gigs played. Places visited. Milestones reached. Moments shared with people who matter most,” he wrote in his entry submission. Connor’s wall is a personal museum of joy and growth, showing that even in the blur of flat life and shitty Dunedin weather, there are snapshots of time worth displaying. This isn't just a wall – it's a living archive of everything good, including showcasing local artistry in the form of a portrait of Connor illustrated by the man in the Link.
Winner: Leah McLaren – The Ultimate Critic Wall
Now this is a wall worth writing 250 words on. Filled to the brim with Critics' achievements, both artistic and informational. Tucked away in a flat on Cargill St, this wall shows snapshots of iconic covers, wild moments, and every other kind of fucked up thing that has defined the magazine over the years. It’s equal parts chaotic and curated; overall a great addition to any student flat.
Leah, the mastermind behind this wall, told Critic, “No one else is allowed to touch the wall. It's all mine and honestly I am pretty particular about what I want to see on it.” With Leah's meticulous planning and cutting happening every Monday night, she can be found with scissors in one hand and Blu-Tack in the other, piecing together yet another week’s worth of media magic. Critic went in person to peruse this entry and the camera doesn't do it justice. The texture, the layers and the tiny details are what make this wall less of a decoration and more of a journey of Leah and her flatmates’ uni experience.
Judge’s comment: This flat doesn't have much to offer – it's pretty shit, very cold, and has never seen the sun – but what makes it shine through the shit is this beautiful wall. As a self proclaimed Critic-head (and staff member) of course a wall full of stuff from our magazine is going to pique my interest. But that is not the only reason why this is my winner; the added strategy for layout, colour selection, and also content leads me to believe this may be the most well balanced and thorough Critic wall in all of Dunedin.
CATEGORY 3: Oopsie
Accidents happen. Maybe you’ve replaced a broken bedroom door with a shower curtain, or framed up a hole in the wall and made it a statement piece? Critic wanted to see your best ‘damage control’. Sadly, we didn’t receive any entries for this category. Boo.
CATEGORY 4: Green Thumb
Judged by Isabella Simoni
A green-starved Critic Te Ārohi asked students: got a garden that would make a cottagecore lesbian weep with joy? Maybe your supermarket basil is thriving, or your shower’s mould collection has evolved into its own ecosystem? Whatever nature you're nurturing, we wanted to see it – and were delighted with the results.
Contestant One: Lucy Leadbeater – The Swamp
When one flat inherited the swamp two years ago, they had far-fetched dreams of a Bunnings makeover featuring wildflowers and perhaps a vegetable or two. But their dreams were crushed by a lack of determination, willpower depletion, and the fact that the soil is not soil but some other unearthly substance. The growing capacity has included weeds, strange bushes, what we call a tree, and an abundance of beer bottle lids that they reckon contribute to the ecosystem. Nevertheless, in their submission the flat proudly included a photo of their very own scarecrow (it's a ball-gagged mask, that when they first moved in, were too scared to take down for fear of being cursed). All in all, their contributions to the swamp ended up being a basil plant donated by a flatmate's mum, a pink bead necklace to add femininity to their (possibly cursed) ball-gagged scarecrow, and some outdoor fairy lights that were up for a short time, before they were spitefully cut by their landlord. God forbid girls try to bring light to a Dunedin flat.
Contestant Two: Brad Devery – A Wholesome Threat
Critic’s own content creator Brad (who’s started referring to himself as Critic’s ‘social media manager’) submitted a picture of his thriving veggie garden in an email with the subject line: “If I don’t win, I quit x”.
Winner: Jake Corney (and flatties Angus and Cam) – Farm Charm
Jake, Angus, and Cam’s Leith Street flat garden is thriving this season. Jake comes from a long-line of corn farmers who specialise in growing, you guessed it, purple cauliflower. With this generational talent, the flat’s garden is flourishing, producing several heads of the purple stuff (there’s a joke in there somewhere), alongside crisp lettuce, parsley, and maybe some other things too. These young men are contradicting Leith stereotypes by generating instead of destroying, and are quite proud to know how much food they’ve been able to finesse for free (minus the cost of soil, seeds, gardening tools, garden beds, and greenhouse netting). They even share the fresh produce with their other flatmates and neighbours – can we be friends? While their greenhouse did, according to Critic’s calculations, cost more than the large chicken on chips from Burger N Beast, it was a wise investment. The boys say it made a massive difference in protecting their plants from cold snaps in Dunedin weather, and they don’t seem to be exaggerating.
Judge’s comment: While a compelling garden submission was made by a group of seven girls for their patch of grass affectionately called ‘The Swamp,’ a Salvador Dalí ball-gagged scarecrow guarding absolutely nothing edible (due to a lack of determination and food-grade soil) just wasn’t going to make the cut. And while Brad’s garden was lovely (if threatening) Critic had to award the best garden to Jake Corney and his wheelbarrow lackeys, Angus and Cam. The photos of this garden showed such lush, well developed veggies that it felt like a prank submission. Well done, fellas.
CATEGORY 5: Devious Lick
Judged by Nina Brown
If the local council’s recent costs in cone theft during the George Street renovation project are anything to go by, kleptomania grips Studentville. Critic Te Ārohi asked students to submit their guilty pleasure collection of stolen Ōtepoti oddities displayed like museum artefacts – and we weren’t disappointed with the two entries.
Contestant One: Anonymous – Inherited Fortune
Dunedin has a long history and tradition of larceny, and nothing shows this more than this beautiful North East Valley flat garden peppered with the contents of the DCC roadside safety storage. Upon moving in, the current tenants stumbled upon a veritable treasure trove of traffic signs and road cones left by their predecessors’ sticky fingers. “[They] were just there as if they’d appeared from the gods,” one tenant mused to Critic. Inspired by the movement after the Christchurch earthquakes where people put flowers in road cones to bring joy, these flatters got to work making creative arrangements, transforming these treasures into works of art. One particularly ingenious feat of the DIY Dunners spirit was the table made of wood planks topped by two traffic signs and beautified by flowers in pots.
Winner: Grace Hards – The Gallery
Every Scarfie knows it’s a rite of passage to “acquire” the odd bit of council property on a night
out. But once the buzz wears off, you’re left with the same question every creative klepto faces:
What the hell do I do with all this bright orange clutter? Unless you’re living in a breatha’s trap
house, traffic cones and road signs aren’t exactly interior design chic. Throwing them out feels
sacrilegious – these are trophies, after all. So, these flatties turned their flat’s hallway into a gallery. Pros: spacious, bold, and budget-friendly (free). Cons: technically illegal and unbelievably heavy (“no idea how I’ve made it home with one under each arm”). But hey, nothing says Dunedin student life like a stolen stop sign and a bit of hallway flair.
Judge’s comment: While the creativity is flowing for these two entries, the win must go to Grace’s entry for not only slapping a masterful coat of paint on these tired, industrial signs, but also deviously licking the “canvases” for themselves – an essential part of the artistic process. I’m honestly quite impressed by the talent on display and don’t think these would be out of place in an open-plan studio apartment’s exposed brick walls. T
CATEGORY 6: Curated AF
Judged by Jonathan McCabe
It can be a real challenge to cultivate a homely atmosphere in a flat of seven squeezed into a century-old villa – especially when Jenga-towers of laundry, dishes, and scattered study materials get in the way. Critic Te Ārohi searched for the elusive curated flat that could have been taken straight out of a white woman’s Pinterest board.
Contestant One: Connor Moffat – A “Frickin’ Vibe”
Connor figured that he’d entered in one category, so he may as well enter another. Over the year (and a quarter) that he’s lived in his flat, Connor has curated his room into what he dubs to be “quite the frickin’ vibe”. It features a large shelf filled with items from his life, many weird and wonderful Facebook marketplace trinkets, a few plants here and there, plenty of guitar equipment, and a whole lot of decoration to bring it all together. “I love this fucking room dude, it brings me peace and really shows off who I am,” Connor concluded.
Contestant Two: Molly Smith-Soppet – The Sanctuary
Staff writer Molly in her submission simply said, “My room is my sanctuary.” We didn’t have many entries at this point, hence the multiple in-house submissions. But her room is lovely.
Winner: Imogen Harris – Flat Turned Exhibition
A true exercise in curation! Walking through Imogen’s flat was like getting lost through the backrooms of a Woodstock ‘69 themed exhibition. Each wall has a different theme, made out of cut outs from three years’ worth of Critics, other (not as cool) magazines, art folders and cops from the now defunct This n’ That. Critic judges were blessed with a tour of their highly curated bong wall (wow we publish a lot of bong-tent), an infographic corner, rockstar collage, Van Gogh hallway, and boat bathroom. This exhibition set the flatties back 16 hours of their time and seven packets of Blu-Tack.
The centrepiece of their living room is the culmination of poverty, desperation, and ingenuity. Somehow one shelf manages to tie the whole flat together. Imogen told the story of how it came together: “When Facebook Marketplace free section fails, where do you go? I’ll tell you where. You don a balaclava and some baggy clothes, you creep down the road in the dead of night, you slip between some barricades into a building site, and you fill your tote bags with the least broken of a pile of demoed bricks. The breeze block was a little extra score, but there was only one. Then you traipse with your back breakingly heavy bags back to your flat, picking up some only slightly mouldy planks of wood from the side of the road, and create the gorgeous wonder that is my plant shelf. This is why we should win, as a reward for our intelligence, resourcefulness, and dedication.”
Judge comments: Imogen’s flat was the clear winner, and not just because we didn’t want to show favouritism to the two nepo entries. Each feature wall in her flat felt like scrolling through one of your friends' Pinterest boards. The inclusion of Dwayne Johnson on their rockstar wall made me chuckle. The fire alarm perched on the shelf was a great addition to the overall vibe. You can tell that blood sweat and tears were involved to cultivate the cohesive vibe. Sadly, I wouldn’t have the patience, nor the free time to maliciously space each of these posters to fit the dimensional specifications of the flat. If Critic Te Ārohi ever receives one of those ominous threats made up of newspaper clippings, we know who it is from. I award extra points for the tenants' intelligence, resourcefulness, and dedication – which together turned this flat into a magnificent museum.