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When you think of cheating, your mind will probably go to those who are constantly swinging between break-up and make-up sex as they swear they’ll never make that drunken mistake again – but can they please have a fourth chance? The blatant deception and betrayal of finding a grey hoodie left under her bed, false eyelashes on the car floor, a condom wrapper stuffed at the bottom of his bin, or sniffing different perfumes on their clothes is cheating in the traditional sense. 

Second-year Frankie* falls into this camp – or fell, rather. She’s an ex-serial cheater. Now that she’s a year into a healthy relationship, however, she doesn’t want anyone to perceive her as an unfaithful partner. It’s something she’s ashamed about; but Critic still wanted to hear what pushed her to cheat – on four separate occasions. Conversely, old roster-king Travis* (also second-year) doesn’t reckon he qualifies as a cheater. Sure, there was a time that he’d wake up in Girl 1’s bed, go to lunch with Girl 2, and then have a sleepover with Girl 3. But that’s “not cheating”, he says. Unless you’re exclusive, juggling three girls is fair game.

Travis traverses the grey area of cheating that the self-help blogs and psychology journals Critic scoured couldn’t comprehend, written for an older audience whose motivations for cheating are tied to kids or finances drying up your home sex life. While we all probably have a Clubcard and ration our heating, it would be a cause for concern if a fresher went around cheating because “the kids were just getting too much”. 

Because contemporary parameters of cheating are so ill-defined for students, there’s a tendency for a lot of things to fall into a grey area that’s mutually enforced by our own social environment. Something that might not be cheating as an adult could be equally seen as a serious betrayal as a university student. Does it matter that they slid into the DMs of someone they met on a night out if it’s purely “platonic”? What if they slept with someone else while you were dating, but not exclusive? We decide what is socially acceptable – where the line falls between cheating and merrily swinging your dick around. 

The National Health Institute conducted a study on adolescents’ attitudes and perceptions of cheating. They describe cheating using the word “violation”. In this sense, cheating is linked to trust. When someone has broken that implicit or explicit commitment both parties have agreed to, it’s usually wrong. There is an element of secrecy – of sneaking around. If you think you’re cheating, you probably are. Sex and The City’s Carrie Bradshaw talks about a cheating curve, saying, “Someone’s definition of what constitutes cheating is in direct proportion to how much they themselves want to cheat.” 

Let’s hear from the cheaters’ side of the story, shall we?

FRANKIE

Frankie perceives cheating as being unfaithful towards your partner through being intimate with someone else, regardless of whether that intimacy is sexual or emotional. Her father had an affair, so her parents split up when she was pretty young. “You would think that it would make me not want to cheat. I’d always feel guilty about it because people tell me I’m just like my dad – and I am, you know? And I didn’t like that, didn’t like being told that, but it was kind of true,” she says. 

COUNT ONE

I was really drunk and her son was dead sober… He started, like, telling me I was really beautiful and I was, like, really fucked up and I was like, ‘fuck yeah’. 

Frankie was 14-years-old when she first cheated. She was at a family event, and her mum’s old friend and her son Joe* had flown from overseas to attend. Frankie and Joe were caught kissing in the corner by their mums, who freaked out. Frankie and her boyfriend, Chris*, had been together for four months at this point. He was “heartbroken”, but in a fourteen-years-old-coming-of-age way. Telling him wasn’t originally something she planned on doing, but one of her friends ratted on her. “And then everyone hated me for ages… Bros over hoes as fuck,” she tells me. 

Why did she do it? “He was a shit boyfriend, but I loved him so much,” Frankie replies. “I was just drunk, and I think I just like the attention because obviously Chris wasn’t there to give me attention, but this other guy was.” She adds, “It’s always when you’re drunk. Doing things you shouldn’t do feels thrilling in the moment because it’s forbidden. It feels exciting.” 

When Frankie cheated her and Chris broke up, but later got back together. “Oh, so Chris forgave you?” Critic asks. “No.” The relationship was definitely worse when they got back together. “I feel like it was his way of trying to get back at me. Being like, ‘Right, we’ll get back together just so I can hurt you more than you hurt me’ kind of vibe.” Their relationship ended a second time because of Chris’ drug problem. They were fourteen and fifteen, and Chris using really upset Frankie. He’d ignore her, be mean to her. “When we broke up for the second time, he was like a shit boyfriend about it,” she says. “I was like, ‘Fuck you. You haven’t even changed.’”

COUNT TWO

I had a few beers with my step-brother… He starts telling me about how hot he thinks I am.

Frankie dated Mike* to get over this girl she was in love with, but their relationship wound up being permanent. “I kind of started getting a bit depressed. I knew I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend forever, but I knew that he was really in love with me and I just didn’t really feel the same way,” she tells me. When asked why she was with him, she doesn’t really have an answer. “Because I was ashamed of maybe being gay at the time […] I don’t know. I was just with him to make myself feel wanted, because the girl I liked didn’t want me.” Frankie knows having male validation helped her ego, especially when she was fifteen, a feeling that will likely resonate with many queer and bi-curious women.

A year into their relationship, Frankie was spending summer at the family bach with her step-brother Luke* and their parents. They’d stayed up late drinking, and Luke came into her tent to have a few beers. He starts hitting on her. Because it was summertime, Frankie would wander around the bach in her bikini minding her own business. 

 

They’re hooking up in the tent before she realises it’s pretty out the gate. Not as drunk as he clearly is, she makes him leave. He tries again the next night but Frankie pretends to be asleep, and they don’t speak about it again. 

If it was obviously wrong, why did Frankie do it? As an admittedly insecure person, she says that being told things like that really ignites something in you. Frankie loved that she was being seen. “I love that I’m being appreciated for my beauty. In a way, it's nice because obviously your partner tells you that stuff but then you hear it from somebody else and then you’re like, validated a bit. Not that I feel that way anymore.”

COUNT THREE

I was into her. I was into Lana*. I was like, ‘Fuck, look. I really want to get with you, and I don’t care about Kiera*.’ 

Frankie was seventeen when she got her first girlfriend. But dating Kiera wasn’t entirely for the right reasons – she admits she was only dating her because she was ready to come out to the girls at her private school. “I was like, ‘Right, okay, it’s time that something gets normalised around here. I’m going to make a change for homosexuality at my school,’” she says. 

Frankie and Kiera had been dating for about a month. It was fun, but Frankie wasn’t that into it if she was being honest with herself. Then, over the school holidays, while at a party, she meets  Lana. The two had become friends in the past year, but that night the dynamic was a lot more flirty. Frankie asked Lana if she’d ever get with a girl. 

 

Kiera was more of a placeholder to soft launch homosexuality. Frankie didn’t even tell Kiera about what happened with Lana, but she broke up with her a week later. She can’t even remember if she gave Kiera a reason. The relationship was so unimportant to her she doesn’t even think she told Kiera why; Frankie doesn’t think Kiera really cared. 

Frankie and Lana stayed together for a long time (Frankie doesn’t remember the exact timeline). She never cheated on her. She was in love. Lana, however, wasn’t so faithful. In a taste of Frankie’s own medicine, Lana actually cheated on her with the same step-brother, Luke. Remember him from the tent? But that’s a different, much messier story. 

“Although,” Frankie admits, “I did fuck this guy while [Lana and I] were broken up at the time, as a way of getting back at her for cheating on me – because she cheated on me. I fucked the guy that she cheated on me with,” Frankie says. “I was like, lowkey, this will show her. But I also didn’t want her to know at the same time. Like, I kind of wanted it to be my internal vengeance, you know? Anyway, she did find out and went fucking nuts.”

Frankie was really distraught about it. She’d wanted to get back at Lana, but it didn’t feel good. They were really toxic to each other. They’d be broken up but still acting like they were together. It was a bit of a mess. 

COUNT FOUR

And that was why it’s like, sort of cheating but not really. 

This is where cheating starts to enter that grey area that is so prevalent in Dunedin. Frankie had a relationship with Simon*. They broke up and Frankie was still struggling to get over Lana, who she was still regularly talking on the phone with. This was while she was “technically” still seeing Simon, since they’d broken up but were still fucking.

It gets even messier. That summer, Frankie got back with all her exes, including Chris (from count one) and Mike (from count two) because Lana didn’t want her. Meanwhile, Lana would also call her, send her nudes, and tell her that she loved her. Lana was cheating on her partner with Frankie, Frankie was still kind of seeing Simon at the time, but no one was dating each other. 

A lot of Frankie’s behaviour stems from mental health issues and insecurity about her worth. I ask if she’d cheat again. “No, I don’t think so. I feel more mentally stable for one, and then also more secure because my partner doesn’t have eyes for anyone else, and they’re a secure person themselves. The people in the past that I’ve been with have just been very… Not like them. I think that contributes to it. Not that they deserved it.”

CRITIC’S TAKE

Critic cross-referenced Frankie’s cheating with two psychology journals to identify any recognisable patterns. The research shows that cheating in adolescents is relatively common. Becoming involved in a romantic relationship is the first time that young adults are expected to be “faithful” and entirely exclusive to one person. Mixed with the emotional turbulence of being a teenager, meeting this cultural expectation isn’t always easy. 

Alcohol and drugs are a massive contributor to cheating as well. These substances reduce inhibitions – those feelings that prevent you from doing something that you really, really want to do in the moment but probably shouldn’t. When you’ve downed a box, snorted a line, smoked a joint (or all three), you’re going to be less likely to turn down that sexy stranger wanting to buy you a drink at the bar. 

In adolescent relationships, if one person does not feel emotionally fulfilled and wanted by their partner, they’re more likely to seek intimacy elsewhere. If you feel like your partner barely wants you around, it hits different when someone tells you how perfect you are. It doesn’t feel as wrong, and, like Frankie explained, you feel “seen”. 

People who cheat tend to have lower self esteem than people who haven’t cheated. The guilt of doing something socially unacceptable mixed with the burden of keeping a secret from your partner contributes to lower overall psychological well-being. It creates a sort of cognitive dissonance. 

Relationship length can also correlate with cheating. In a toxic and unhealthy relationship, the longer two people stay together, it’s possible for them to cheat more often. Additionally, when a relationship has degraded to a bare minimum of communication and limited trust, loyalty starts to dwindle. When Frankie was cheated on, she preferred to seduce the homewrecker than try and salvage the scraps of her relationship with Lana. 

TRAVIS

Critic interviews Travis on Wednesday night of Re-O Week. His friends Greta* and Freya* tag along, filling in when Travis gets confused or forgets things.

Last semester, Travis had a fully functional roster of three girls. Greta and Freya tell me that this wasn’t cheating because he never had a girlfriend, and he’s not dating anyone. His roster didn’t know about each other, though. To ensure none of them caught on, Travis employed tactics like not commenting on any of their Instagrams. He would also freeze his location or turn it off completely whilst at Girl 2’s house, because Girl 1 only knew about certain locations Travis was likely to be at. Sneaky, yes, but not necessarily lying, according to Travis – he just wasn’t telling them the truth. Critic asks how he felt doing it. “Great. Absolutely great.” Everyone in the room bursts out laughing as he tries to justify himself. “No – not great in the sense that I was skipping between people.”

Travis sees cheating as something that can only happen when you’re in a relationship. For him, cheating means dating someone while seeing someone else. It also means watching porn while in a relationship – a controversial opinion for the rest of the group. He thinks even thinking about someone in a sexual way is cheating, unless it’s in a dream. 

 

Given the subjectivity of cheating as a concept, there’s a lack of research on why adolescents might prioritise a greater number of sexual partners to experiment over monogamous intimacy with one person. A University of Tennessee thesis explains that even if both partners value monogamy, one of them may not see holding hands with a different person as a breach of their romantic exclusivity, while the other may see that as a betrayal. Travis, Greta and Freya discuss what counts as cheating these days. The consensus seems to be that if you’re exclusive or in a relationship, it’s cheating. “But if you’re just fucking on the DL… It’s not cheating,” says Freya. 

CRITIC’S TAKE

The group explains that while some people would think Travis’ roster was ratchet, others (especially of our generation) might think of it as normal. In the NHI study mentioned earlier, adolescents often prioritise exploring their personal identity over obtaining and retaining intimacy. This motivates us to create emotional bonds external from our main partner or “enjoy a greater plurality of sexual partners and/or sexual frequency without forming an emotional connection.” 

Research shows that the general view is that sex outside a low commitment or open relationship is perceived as much more acceptable than sex outside an exclusive relationship. It makes sense in the context of hookup culture in Dunedin. Breathas and sheathas alike hesitate before getting themselves into a committed monogamous relationship. When there’s no strings attached, no one gets hurt – right? We don’t just have a fear of commitment: we prefer the comfort of a ‘get out of jail free’ card when we wake up smelling like cigarettes and tequila in a stranger's bed with six missed calls. 

STUDENTVILLE’S MOST LIKELY CHEATERS

So who’s most likely to cheat? From a scientific lens, it’s the huzz and probably Business majors. In a recent study, people who have a high opinion of their own physical appearance more accurately predicted themselves cheating over time. The study links this to narcissism, as seen in married men. In other words, if you think you’re super hot, monogamous you are not. Additionally, people who objectively fit the beauty standard may be more likely to cheat just because they have greater opportunities and options. People are just always hitting their line. 

Critic asks Travis if there’s actually a bro code. Do boys talk about cheating among their friends? He thinks boy groups actually expose cheating.

 

The rest of the group disagrees. They start to bring up all the times where boys have cheated on their girlfriends and their mates covered it up. According to Travis, it depends on how well they know the girlfriend. “If we see it as a good relationship, we’re going to snitch straight away. But if it’s toxic, we’re just gonna gaf it,” he says. Studies show that adolescents are strongly influenced by their perception of their friends' attitudes towards their relationship, which aligns with what Travis is talking about: if his friends think it’s a toxic relationship and don’t bother telling their mate’s girlfriend, the mate feels like he’s in the clear because he’s been given the message of all goods. 

Critic Te Ārohi has deliberately refrained from discussing the effect of gender on likelihood of cheating. Prevailing literature online suggests that men are more likely to cheat due to the cultural normalisation of encouraging men to explore and experience a variety of different partners. Simultaneously, women are shamed for exposing themselves and their body to too many people. Women are told they should be able to count the number of people who have seen you naked on one hand, while men are applauded for sexual promiscuity. Despite this, there is no clear correlation between cheating and gender, and most studies confine their research to cisgender, heterosexual people. Using these limited qualifications, men aren’t more likely to cheat, and neither are women.  

A WORD WITH THE CHEATED

 

It can feel really shit to be cheated on. Maybe you feel like you can’t trust them anymore, or your self-esteem has taken a plummet. Maybe you haven’t been cheated on, but you still feel betrayed by your partner. Maybe you’re turning a blind eye to their last minute cancellations and late nights out because you really value the relationship, and are trying everything you can to make it how it used to be. 

Cheating is a concept that is only really able to be defined by you and the person you’re involved with. Something that might be on the fence for you might really hurt your partner. This is why trust and communication is so important in a relationship, regardless of if it’s open and inviting to a plurality of partners, or exclusive and monogamous. Studies show that if adolescents, like all of us in Dunedin, feel as though they can openly communicate with their partner to resolve issues and talk through arguments, then they are less likely to cheat and be cheated on. The more supported you feel, the less likely you’ll go searching to fill that emotional or sexual absence. 

Whatever happens, a conversation is usually the best place to start. Like Frankie has explained,  cheating doesn’t happen out of the blue. Perhaps (and Critic hesitates to say this) aspects of your behaviour has contributed to your partner cheating. If you’re in Travis’ situation, it could be a good idea to consider where the balance lies between self-gratification and emotional intimacy. While each is important, neither should overpower the other. 

In Critic terms, Dunedin students are all still figuring themselves out. It’s rare to find someone who is set on latching on to one person for the rest of their life when we don’t even know what we’re doing the next day. For a lot of students, it’s some of the first years they’re having sex and making adult decisions outside the watchful eye of their parents. Making mistakes and shitty decisions are an inevitable part of becoming an adult. Learning how to apologise and continue is equally important. 

If you or your partner has cheated or been cheated on, it’s not always the end of the world even though it might feel like it. Just make sure you use protection. 

*Names changed.