Ever since Dame Queen Nicki Minaj’s music videos emerged, I think a piece of all of us dreamt of having an ass so fat, so bodacious, that we would cry in the shower while doing a mere 15 squats naked to achieve what she has. Or maybe that was just me.
Drenched in sweat from the gym that I do the bare minimum at, I looked in the mirror and thought, damn, I gotta fix this mess. Somehow my brain took me back to 2015 and I remembered the 30 day squat challenge. You know, the shit that Buzzfeed used to post about. I decided to get this blessed thick body shape RIGHT in only 30 days.
Day 1, 40 squats - I started off strong, hit the gym afterwards and it was easy peasy. I took the before photo and cried.
Day 2, 45 squats - Okay, started off weak I felt like shit. This was difficult difficult lemon difficult.
Day 3, 50 squats - Did my squats after eating NutinoTM (palm oil free) on toast. Is this peak fitness? I think so.
Day 4, 55 squats - I forgot to stretch after this set so it turns out I am, infact, a clown.
Rest Day (thank God)
Day 6, 55 squats - Did my squats with 10kg kettlebells at the gym because fitness is my passion.
Day 7, 60 squats - So far doing squats has been all good because I’m pretty used to it anyway... My confidence has never been higher.
Day 8, 65 squats - I really could not be arsed today (lol), but Nicki wouldn’t quit and neither will I.
Day 9, 70 squats - Let’s go to the beech beech, let’s go get away. They say, what they gonna say? Have a drink, clink, found the bud light, bad bitches like me is hard to come by.
Day 11, 70 squats - Tbh I have really bad genetic cellulite but I think doing squats has made a difference. Or maybe I lost weight? Not sure.
Day 12, 75 squats - Okay, I don’t think 75 squats will make up for the amount of bread I ate.
Day 13, 80 squats - Stopped going to the gym to avoid spreading or receiving germs as we all should.
Day 14, 85 squats - Did squats in my undies while drinking tea as my flatmate watched on. It was hot.
Day 16, 85 squats - He loooove this fat ass, hahaha! This one is for my bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club!!!
Day 17, 90 squats - Yeah, not gonna lie this is getting repetitive as fuck especially with no gym and no motivation.
Day 18, 95 squats - I love food and my body is stubborn. Yeah nah so far not seeing any results.
Day 19, 100 squats - I watched Married at First Sight during this set, and the overwhelming rage I felt pushed me through.
Day 21, 100 squats - I have asthma and lost my pump, so on a cold morning this one got me.
Day 22, 105 squats - The alert level rose and shit went down. My squats were subpar and full of anxiety.
Day 23, 110 squats - Shit kept going down and this ass went down too. The squats stop for nothing.
Day 24, 115 squats - I ate an apple today so that my squats would be extra powerful. Also, I think I’m an influencer now.
Day 26, 120 squats - I went home today. My dog watched me squat and most likely thought that I looked horrible.
Day 27, 130 squats - Going up in sets by 10s was a shock that my body was not ready for. To be fair, my body was never ready for workouts anyway.
Day 28, 140 squats - Nicki, I call upon you for strength. May my squat persistence be as powerful as my impeccable rapping ability.
Day 29, 150 squats - Okay, not sure if my ass is fatter or my legs are skinnier, but I think I need glasses so I’m a very unreliable source.
Day 30, 160 squats - Starships were meant to fly, bitch! You inspire me, Nicki. My legs are sore but my heart is full.
I think this is the longest I’ve ever committed to anything. And, as you can tell by the before and after pics, my ass got significantly more juicy. Doja Cat has nothing on this.
But in reality, I think I wasted 30 days aspiring to be my idol when it was obviously never going to work from the start. My ass was never going to be as triple caked up as Nicki’s in the span of 30 days. Maybe if I keep fit, do squats and eat right then it will work. It will take a lifetime, but I’m committed to it. Catch me at Unipol everyday as soon as the lockdown is over.
I love you, Nicki.