During your tender, sweet time at the University of Otago, it’s highly probable that you’ve picked up a nicotine addiction. Let’s face it, sometimes there are parties so shit that you just need to smoke/vape outside in order to avoid your 2nd cousin making ‘come fuck me’ eyes at you. However with the arrival of the c-word, thousands of scarfies have packed in their party days and headed home to Ma and Pa to wait out the apocalypse. The only trouble is, you just can’t stop hooning on that peach flavoured vape. You’ve already disappointed your parents enough with your grades, you don’t want to further trouble them with devastating news of your lung health. Critic spoke to a range of students that were grappling with hiding their naughty nicotine habit from their parents. Only time will tell if they succeed.
Emma’s worked out a strategy to dodge the noisy ‘rents. She vapes in the bathroom, saying “everytime I go to ‘pee’ I have a wee hoon on the missus”. She goes on to note that “when you have to refill the vape you’re basically taking a shit”. Her parents are yet to notice her sporrentic bathroom habits, so here’s hoping Emma doesn’t get marched down to the doctor for a suspected UTI at any rate. She prefers the locked security of the bathroom over her bedroom and says “bathroom is kinda just better cause if you come out the shower and have had a hoon they won't know the difference.” She also recommends walking the dog alone for maximum vape time. Only at nightime does she dare to smoke in her bedroom because “the fat clouds won't be seen”. Mostly at night time I just cry, lol. The precautions Emma is taking shows she’s not here to fuck around, and even the smallest details have been thought of. For example, she charges her vape on her UE boom charger to avoid her parents inquiring about a miscellaneous charger in her bedroom. Her vape is hidden under her mattress whilst it charges. She’s determined not to get caught.
Bella’s parents know that she’s a “serial vapist” but have banned her from vaping inside the house. Unlike Emma, Bella doesn’t go to the bathroom to vape, saying she indulges in the hobby far too much for it to be subtle. “They’d think I have bowel problems or something.” Instead, she takes a much more risky approach in her methodology: “I just take a hoon every time their back is turned, and if they catch me in the act I have to hold it in for a really long time until the smoke dissolves in my mouth or pretend I’m doing a socially distant cough and hide it with my arm,” Bella admits. This strategy has proved mostly successful, with a few hiccups. Thankfully her vape is melon-flavoured so isn’t particularly strong-scented for those with eager noses. Bella says she “accidentally vaped in eyeshot of mum’s zoom meeting with the MOH the other day. I thought she couldn’t see but forgot about the camera.” We’ve all got to take risks for the things that we love.
Islay purchased a vape just for lockdown, as she’s normally more of a cigarette smoker. She seems very happy with her last-minute decision. “Fuck, I just love my vape.” Islay’s family house is lucky enough to have multiple bathrooms, so she has her own bathroom for her to “have a couple of hoons on my vape, practice some Os”. Her mum is an essential worker so is out during the day, but Islay admits that “maybe she notices how long I’m gone for in the evenings when I ‘go for a wee’”. Not one to subject herself to just the cold, uncomfortable bathroom, she’s also moved a cushion into a corner of her room where she can both get wifi and avoid being seen. “I do nothing to hide the smell and if Mum notices and asks why my room smells like blackberry I would probably just bullshit and say it’s a new body spray or some shit,” Islay admits. Her newfound love of vaping has also inspired something university has never been able to make me do: create a schedule. Islay’s daily schedule consists of hooning in the mornings, putting the vape on charge and then by the time her next craving hits, it’s fully charged for the day. Perfect! There’s one dark cloud on the horizon however: supply. Islay’s been using about a pod a day of juice and “now we’re in isolation I’m worried about buying more online and it not coming in time”. She has about ¾ left of 30ml, but “with the stress of living with my mum again that’ll be gone fairly soon.” Keep her in your prayers, guys.
If you’re secret vaping, don’t despair. Consider getting into cooking really smelly food, or just generally burning things over the oven. Go outside for lots of walks, say you’re going “stir-crazy” or whatever people that like fitness say. Hunt around for that old 2010 Cool Charm spray, or better yet, unwrap that Lynx Africa body spray set from Christmas and put it to good use. Or maybe, just maybe, consider having an open and honest relationship with your parents.
Just kidding hahahahaha fuck that.