A Definitive Ranking of the Uni Clocktower Bongs

A Definitive Ranking of the Uni Clocktower Bongs

Everytime I sit in my room, the clocktower’s flat chimes remind me that my time in this world is fleeting. Every bong that rattles through my window slowly drives me insane. 

Because I have nothing else to do, and to help you all feel a little bit closer to campus, I have categorised each hourly bong into four tiers: Queen, King,  Tik Tok Dance and Irrelevant. 

 

'Suzy Cato' (a.k.a Queen) Tier 

It’s our time, kia ora, talofa, it’s our time, a special time of day. It’s our time just you and me together, it’s time to say hello, gday, kei te pēhea koe? Not much else to say, except anything categorised into this Queen tier. 

  • 6 bongs.
    It’s probably time for food. Six pm dinner time is what I like to hear. This also means time to stop studying in the hopes to return to it after food, then food coma and watch The News instead. Six am doesn’t count. Chances are no one will be awake at six am anyway.

  • 9 bongs.
    Iconic bongs. Free hour of power reminder bongs. Time to crank up every heater in the house, put on the dryer, watch your favourite Adam Sandler movie. May I recommend Jack and Jill? 

  • 12 bongs.
    It’s either lunchtime or midnight. Food is guaranteed. Nothing is more exciting than the idea of food, even if you’re sitting in McDonalds after a shit night in town eating an NYC Benedict Bagel that will 100% make you spew after.

 

'‘Rocky’ from the movie Boy' (a.k.a King) Tier

All that most people remember from Boy is the scene "hey Chardonnay, wanna see some Michael Jackson dance moves?" What hurts the most the lack of recognition that Rocky, the most wholesome character, is recieves. Only a King could rock a bowl cut and cut off shorts and have superpowers.

  • 2 bongs.
    No one really thinks of two pm or am being pretty good hours because like Rocky, they’re forgotten. The two pm bong may be a reminder to have a snack. Two am means go the fuck to sleep and get off Runescape. Good reminder bongs. 

  • 5 bongs.
    As much as I hate to admit, five pm means happy hour. Cheap drinks, cheese and crackers, and chilling with your grandparents. Five am is shit but happy hour overrules. 

  • 8 bongs.
    These bongs are necessary. Eight am bongs are wake up calls for us. Get out of bed! Stop pretending that playing Sims 4 is a replacement for a boring personality! Eight pm bongs are dessert moscato rosé bongs and that’s that.

 

'Tik Tok Dance' Tier

Crippling, addicting, can’t escape these bongs. Stop trying to teach me the renegade I’m NOT going to get the hang of it. 

  • 3 bongs.
    Usually the bongs tell me it’s afternoon tea. Have an Apple. Get off youtube. If it’s three in the morning, be asleep or the clocktower is calling the police. 3 bongs is a bit of a nark. 

  • 7 bongs.
    Nothing really special. It’s usually when I started drinking after dinner in first year to go out to town. It’s also the time I wish I woke up but don’t. All in all disappointing, but not shit. 

  • 10 bongs.
    These hours are ok. The ten am bongs remind me it's class time which kills the buzz, and ten bongs in a row is too much. Unless it’s lunch time, don’t make so much racket for no reason. 

 

Irrelevant Tier

Why do the bongs on this tier even exist? Just to check a box? They serve no purpose except to blindly follow orders like the machine it is. Pathetic. 

  • 1 bong.
    The most anti-climactic bong. One bong. Absolutely forgettable. Could NEVER live up to 12 bongs. “Bong.” That’s all? Disgusting.

  • 4 bongs.
    Fuck these bongs. These bongs tell me that it’s not dinner time yet and mock my hunger. They say it’s too late in the morning and too early in the day. They taunt me. You sound ugly, 4 bongs. 

  • 11 bongs.
    In the same boat as 4 bongs. You’re not food time. Unless you’re brunch, but I’m usually hungry by 10 so you’re too late. Also too early for lunch. If I could mute these bongs, I would. Get better, 11 bongs. You suck. 

 

Posted 3:38pm Tuesday 7th April 2020 by Kaiya Cherrington.