Look Mom, No Hands!

A Collection of Wet Dreams

The following are three true accounts of wet dreams. For the record, wet dreams are totally normal, and rarely this messy. These are the greatest cum-capers, the crème de la crème, the (e)Mission Impossible of nocturnal emissions. Enjoy at the lads’ expense.


Woke up from one spooning a platonic girlfriend. I was sleeping over at hers, and I’d just blown a load inside my only pair of boxers. I lay there, absolutely mortified, for five or six minutes. Didn’t budge an inch. I was desperately trying not to wake her up because I didn’t have a fucking clue what I’d say to her. We were pressed pretty tight, so it’d sort of squished its way around my junk, and while I was thinking about how to get out of bed I realised it was starting to dry and plaster my boxers to the skin on her back. Eventually just said “fuck it” and got up. I scuttled over to the bathroom to wash up and when I got back she had rolled over, and I could see that it had dried all over her back. We got up, hungover, an hour later, and each went to class. Never spoke about it; I don’t think she even noticed. We’re great pals, but I can’t get over the fact that I’ve given her a cumshot she doesn’t know about. It’s the deepest, darkest secret I have.


I was way younger, probably like 15 or whatever, right at that horny sweet-spot of age. I’d slept at a friend's house on the couch and, surprise, got a bit excited. Woke up in a fright, but I’d managed to catch it all in my pajamas, so I figured: alright, no harm done. Just changed into trousers and started about my morning. Few hours later we’re sitting on that very same couch playing FIFA and my mate’s younger brother goes “oh, what’s this?” and starts scratching at a dried stain on the cushion. I’m thinking ‘ah fuck’ when, for some fucking reason, the kid decides to chip off a bit and taste it. Guess he must’ve thought it’d be food or something, I dunno, kids are stupid. Anyway, the lads sat there literally taste testing my cum, I’m shitting myself in disbelief at what I’ve just seen. Definitely never owned up to that one, I think it’s a crime.


Right, so, this happened way more recently than I’d like to admit. And I’ll tell ya, wet dreams can be all good. I’ve definitely had a few when I was younger, and usually they’re great - they just come at the price of having to deal with cleanups (which is usually just throwing your undies in the wash and that’s it). Anyway, this one time, I’m getting with this chick, it’s all going well, and right as I get ready to cum I realise something feels kind of off and boom - I wake up. Snapped out of it. Mate - I was on a plane. I’d had a wet dream on a fucking plane. Not only that, but I’d woken myself up just before climax, so I was too late. I’d snapped out of it, just before orgasm, but too late to actually stop the orgasm, so I got to sit there in seat 16C or whatever and feel what it felt like to soil my trousers in the least sexy environment I could imagine. I’m worrying that my neighbor can smell it on me so thank fuck I was on the aisle. I was able to pop off to the loo and change out of my underwear. Just threw ‘em in the bin in the bathroom and left it for the flight attendants to deal with. Went through customs commando. Ever since that day, I always carry extra underwear.

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2020.
Posted 6:37pm Thursday 5th March 2020 by Fox Meyer.