A Satanic Solution

A Satanic Solution

Click here for the mystery


“Chad, you son of a bitch!” you yell. “You said your vape had melon flavor, didn’t you? You worship the Great Melon King!”

“Yeah that’s right, loser,” says Chad. “Melon’s my favorite flavor biattcchhhhhhhhh! He pops in a new vape cartridge. “But this one ain’t melon flavoured. This vape juice is toxic poison, except I’m immune to it because I vape with it 24/7 in microdoses.”

He takes a massive pull and spews out a vile green vape cloud. Kelly gags and falls to the ground. Her face turns lime green, and begins to dissolve, revealing her skull.

Dr. Savage hurls his dictionary at Chad, but Chad knocks it away, blowing another vape cloud into Dr. Savage’s face.

“Noooooo! Dr. Savage!” you yell.

Dr. Savage crumples. His face turns green and begins to melt too. You and Leroy tackle Chad, but he’s too strong. He flexes his muscles and you’re thrown off. The Satanists swarm you, and you’re dragged to the altar, where Baphomegusa laughs maniacally.

“No one can save you now! Hahahahahaha!”

Suddenly, a massive crash echoes from the doorway. An old, overweight man with a giant grey beard bursts into the room riding a motorcycle. He’s wearing a long leather jacket, and he has two katanas strapped to his back.

“It’s George R.R. Martin!” yells Leroy. “We’re saved!”

The old man stumbles off the motorcycle, and you can see he’s carrying a massive minigun.

“That’s right motherfucker,” he yells. “Everybody’s been complaining about me not writing any more Song of Ice and Fire novels, but I’ve just been busy killing Satanists and vampires and werewolves and other fucked up shit. Booohhhyaahhhhh.”

George lets it rip with the minigun. The Satanists and Baphomegusa are torn to shreds in a hail of bullets. Also, Highway to Hell by AC/DC is playing in the background, so it’s extra badass.

You and Leroy are saved! Unfortunately, blood got on your new Hi-Top Vans, George says he does not have access to the secret Emilia Clarke/Kit Harrington sex tape, and he also spoils the ending for Game of Thrones for Leroy.

“I wish the Satanists sacrificed us,” says Leroy.

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2019.
Posted 7:16pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Owen Clarke.