It's easy to think that being queer is all tragedy all the time, but it has upsides too. Being free from mainstream expectations around sex has made my life a whole lot better — and even if you're straight, it can help yours too.
As a bisexual trans man, I've been pretty damn queer my whole life. It happens that as a teenager, before I figured out my gender stuff, I only had relationships with women. Basically, I was gay. Even after coming out as a trans man and starting to transition I still didn’t have a dick, so most of the dude-focussed assumptions around sex didn’t apply to me (even the ones about queer men).
The thing about growing up queer is that there's no rulebook. All the social expectations, narratives, and scripts for how sex goes are about what it’s like for straight people. This means that you’re either getting your information from porn (would not recommend) or you have to figure it out yourself. But in some ways, having to figure it out is really freeing; you're not hampered by cultural baggage that says certain kinds of sex are better than others, or that it's more important for one partner to get off. There are way fewer assumptions, and that means you have more room to figure out what you actually like.
The most important thing I've learned is that sex should be fun. You should like the person you're hooking up with, feel comfortable with them, and feel like you can ask them for things — or not to do things — in safety. This takes a fuckton of vulnerability, and that's hard for everyone, but it's so worth it. Honesty is tough and embarrassing, and that's okay. It gets easier with time.
Another thing that’s highlighted when you have to fit yourself together with someone else in a not-straight way is that sex is about your whole body. Finding the ways and places that someone wants to be touched (like necks! Inner thighs! Nipples are also sensitive on men!) is like absolute goddamn wizardry. Combining those things with whatever sex you’re having makes the whole thing better. This partly goes back to having a partner you like, and who cares about you having a good time, but it also asks us to expand how we think of our own bodies. It means not being afraid to let someone touch you in new ways. It means experimenting. This is a very long-winded way of saying: straight men, your G-spot is up your ass, for God’s sake give anal a try. I promise it doesn’t make you less manly.
Possibly one of the biggest secrets of queer sex is that sex toys are fantastic. Even gay men use dildos (and so many other things) during sex. It takes off the pressure to perform, it lets the person getting fucked choose what size they want — really, it’s all good stuff. Sometimes you can struggle with feeling inadequate, but no matter what you’re getting your partner(s) off with, you’re the one doing it. It’s still a two-person thing, even if we normally associate sex toys with solo stuff. Bringing sex toys in blows open the amount of different sensations you can experience (psst: vibrators, y’all), and you might find you really like some of them. Plus, browsing sex toy websites for the most absurd things you can find is a great way to get over embarrassment about sex-related stuff. Two words: chinstrap dildo.
There’s a better world of sex out there, folks. Queer people find it because we have to, but you’re just as welcome. Love each other and love yourselves.
