Top Ten Tinder Tips for Tenacious Titillation

Top Ten Tinder Tips for Tenacious Titillation

As a certified Tinder veteran, you better believe I have some stories. What’s better than some unwarranted advice? Take it from me, because I certainly wish someone had given me this list when I was a Tinder novice. Follow these tried and tested tips and soon you may hit the jackpot and get lucky in love. Or, like me, you will be left dusty on the shelf in a vicious cycle of right swipes and unmatches. May the odds be ever in your favour, my protégés.

  1. Don’t let them tattoo you. Learn from my mistakes. Unless you want to be left with a shitty stick n’ poke that will forever be mentioned in every game of Never Have I Ever for the next four years of your university career.
  2. If they are a med/law/dent student, run. Otherwise, every waking moment will be spent trying to justify your BA to them in vain, while they talk about job prospects and money and shit you can only dream of.
  3. Don’t match with someone on your course. You’ll inevitably see them in lectures/the library/the supermarket/waiting for the toilet and want to swiftly gouge your eyes out and grow your virginity back. Or you’ll end up sitting next to them in class and think about that embarrassing pickup line you sent while drunk. Not worth it.
  4. Don’t rematch. It’s tempting, but for the love of God move on. It’s awkward for all involved, and you’ll either have to pretend you don’t know each other or have to give a painful explanation about survival of the fittest.
  5. Don’t match with a fresher. Unless you are a fresher. It will result in giving course advice to a fresh faced 18 year old like the pensioner you really are. Fucking them won’t make you younger, so stop trying to drink from their fountain of youth in an attempt to relive the glory days.
  6. Put an animal on your profile. As long as it’s not a dead pig. If you have a dog it is scientifically proven that you are 176% more bangable. Just don’t let the dog swallow the condom when it gets thrown on the floor. Watching a dog shit out a condom is not a pretty sight. 
  7. If someone messages you “hey” and nothing else, unmatch them. Conversely, if YOU message someone “hey,” you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror. Then question what the fuck happened for you to a) end up this way and b) inflict it on to unsuspecting Tinder folks.
  8. Don’t have pictures of the insanely hot. That includes your siblings/mates/exes/random strangers. People will either be intimidated or think you’re fucking them. Or both.
  9. Have a funny bio, let that stellar personality shine through. But if it says “here for a good time, not a long time” then you need to get a grip. It’s Tinder, that’s kind of the point.
  10. Most importantly, don’t be a dick. Oh, and stay safe.

There ya have it folks, all of my wisdom now belongs to you. At least now when you drop out you can say you aced one thing at uni. Mum, I hope you are proud.

This article first appeared in Issue 4, 2018.
Posted 10:37pm Thursday 15th March 2018 by ‘The Girl With The Diamond Tattoo’.