Horoscope | Issue 12

Horoscope | Issue 12

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

Getting some study done this week will lead to unexpected gains in the romance department as flirty eye contact from across the library will lead to a steamy session in the reference section later in the day.

Your relationship goals will not be realised this week as your conversation skills are at an all-time low. Tact is a foreign concept to you, and any attempt at banter will end in a shit show. Best to keep safe and just put duct tape over your mouth for the remainder of the week.

What fun! I see mischief and adventure in your near future. Jolly times will be had in the most unlikely of places and with the most unlikely of people, so keep an open mind!

This week it’s time for you to confess to your crimes and admit to your flatmates that you’ve been the one using the clothesdryer when everyone’s out at uni during the day. Expect passive aggressive conversation starters to continue cropping up over the next few weeks.

Using the classic “reeling in a fish from across the dance floor” move on a prospective love interest will work wonders this weekend. However, pretending that the fish in question is extremely heavy will not work out in your favour.

You’ve been working hard lately, probably harder than you’ve worked your entire life, so you should be pleased to hear that the rewards for this work will be coming to you shortly when Neptune ascends into your star quadrant.

Your life has become entirely too predictable lately. Mix things up this week by wearing your pants on your torso and your shirts over your legs. A fun and unexpected stay at the hospital after tripping over your shirt sleeves might just be the excitement you’re looking for.

You need to tone it down with the sass a little bit as this is not helping you in love, study or life in general. Chill out, sit back and try not to make fun of your friend’s new haircut too much.

You are a strong independent (insert ethnicity here) woman/man who don’t need no woman/man. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that, but always bear in mind that you are the bee’s knees and one super cool dude.

The only two occasions where purchasing Canterbury Cream is an acceptable option are for a red card or when the alcohol store is actually completely out of every other type of liquor. You are not in either of these situations this week, so grab a crate of SoGo instead.

Diet sodas are disgusting. Stop pretending you enjoy them because it is time to make a life-altering decision this week. Water or full-sugared soda? The choice you make will lead to many repercussions further down the line.

You will save someone from choking this week. Be ever vigilant and always on guard because not only will you be doing a good deed and be a totes legit campus hero, but you’ll get an onlooker’s number.

This article first appeared in Issue 12, 2015.
Posted 2:25pm Sunday 17th May 2015 by Madame McMystery.