Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!
(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).
Aries
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a banana each day will bring you a bae. If you are already in a committed relationship, avoid bananas for a week or two. If you are single and lonely, go bananas!
Taurus
See that plastic cup full of wine at the party on Saturday night? The one that seems to have been abandoned by its owner? Do not drink it. At least, not if you want to avoid getting herpes.
Gemini
You will find yourself waking up in a puddle of vomit one cold grey morning this coming fortnight. I’m not sure which part you will find the worst — that it’s not your vomit, or that there are identifiable chunks of tuna in it.
Cancer
A change to your desktop background will lead to a new friendship starting up. Choose wisely, as an ironic “My Little Pony” background will lead to being followed by a plague of new brony buddies.
Leo
Go forth and be bold this week! State what you want and you shall receive. In saying that, be realistic — no one is going to draw you a bath of melted chocolate just because you asked nicely.
Virgo
You have recently undergone a spiritual awakening. Do you hear the sound of the drums? The carefree chanting uplifting your spirit? Fly away, young caterpillar, your time has come. Carpe diem this shit.
Libra
Jupiter is ascending over your stars this week — it is a good time to reinvent yourself. If you get stuck for ideas, the marvellous DIY fashion guide that Critic printed two weeks ago should help you out.
Scorpio
Towards the end of this week, all the questions you’ve been asking about your love life will be answered. This is not a good thing.
Sagittarius
Dude, you are smooth as all hell. Go practice your best pick-up lines on the streets this week. It appears Capricorns are on the hunt for love around this time — asking if people born between 22 December and 19 January are feeling Capri-HORNY should work a treat.
Capricorn
Shove your study to the side — there is love to be found! Venus is still high over your sky, meaning that finding a special someone is on the horizon. Whether you’re shaking your money-maker at Suburbia or chilling out at a house, true love will find you.
Aquarius
Throwing apples at people wearing green this week will bring you great fortune. Granny Smith = career advancement; Eve = study skills; and Jazz = the ability to pick up the saxophone instantly.
Pisces
You may think that going to lectures is a great idea, but for the start of this week, it’s not. A freak accident will lead to a foot injury and temporary agoraphobia. Save yourself the trouble and keep away from lecture theatres for the next three days.