Horoscope | Issue 9

Horoscope | Issue 9

Do you struggle with making basic life decisions? Worried about never bumping into your campus soulmate, or whether to eat two-minute noodles for every dinner this week? Fear not, chums, for I, Madame McMystery, have gazed deep into the cosmos to reveal the secrets the planetary alignments hold in store for you!

(Disclaimer: Madame McMystery is not responsible for any physical or emotional damage caused by the interpretation of her predictions and subsequent actions influenced by them).

This week can be a period of great change for you. Broaden your horizons by attending every event held at the university, and you will unlock a part of yourself that you never knew existed.'

Winter is coming, which means that it’s time to find a snuggle buddy to keep you warm over the next few months. It’s friend against friend in the annual race to track down the most reliable bed warmer in Dunedin. 

The constellation responsible for your alignment of chakras is all out of whack this week. Doing a headstand at noon for ten minutes, followed by three minutes of hula hooping, each day should get your spiritual energy back into shape.

The person you’ve been drooling over at your usual study spot will be admiring you this week. If they do not approach you first, make an excuse to sidle on over to them and very casually mention that you would like have lots of sex and babies with them.

Protect your shins! A somewhat blurry incident will lead to misfortune and pain. Your drunk friends will try their best to patch you up, but this will inevitably lead to blood poisoning. Wash the wound out with high-strength alcohol or antiseptic.

The position of Pluto this week tells me you’re feeling a bit down. Take up a new activity to take your mind off your mood. You may just find inner happiness when you start that new jigsaw puzzle, or when you learn to cook a new meal.

Opening up will strengthen friendships this week. With uncertainty in your future social calendar, this will prove most valuable in the month of May.

Sirius moving into the same zone as Venus means you’re anything but serious this week! Hold on to that positive attitude and go on whatever adventures your wee heart desires.

You have a window of opportunity in the coming week for travel; do not waste it. Go forth into the wilderness, cook horrible camp food over a fire and make friends with anyone whose name contains the words “star” or “rain”.

You will enter into a heated debate on the subject of smooth vs. crunchy peanut butter in the near future. You will get along with the smooth fans and be intrigued by the crunchies, but be suspicious of those who refuse to pick a side. They are not to be trusted.

You will find the perfect pair of pants this week. They will be in the form of denim jeans that hug your ass with all the tenderness of a generous prison lover. Upon wearing these pants you will become an undefeatable opponent at table tennis.

Boycott something this week, and make sure to let everyone you’ve ever met know that you’re doing it. Explain (at length) all of the reasons why you’re boycotting this particular product on Facebook and at every social event you attend. Your peers will respect you for it. 

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2015.
Posted 3:29pm Sunday 26th April 2015 by Madame McMystery.