Evolution has not been kind to the native birds of Aotearoa. Some are small, some flightless, and all pretty vulnerable to introduced pests. To put it lightly, they don’t stand a chance against predators. You know that, I know that. My question is, do they stand a chance against me, Critic’s Culture Editor (imagined as a bird ofc)?
Okay first I needed to figure out what bird I am going to be in this fight. To make it all fair I picked the most common bird in the world: the chicken. While this puts me at a disadvantage already as I can not fly (at least, not for very long) it also puts me on an even playing field with some of our fan fave birds, if the Kiwi (national icon) and Hoiho (Bird of the Year 2024) are anything to go by. The criteria for this scientific article is vibes. I’m just going to vibe it out. Call me Chicken Joe.
Hoiho/Yellow-eyed penguin: They can’t fly so I’m gonna kick their ass. My talons will slit their fish-loving throats unless they dive into the water and do sneak attacks or some shit.
Pūtangitangi/Paradise duck: Their bills will not be able to stop me. They can waddle the fuck on to get some grapes after I peck the shit out of them.
Toroa/Albatross: That peninsula-dwelling motherfucker could kick my ass with one wing, I’m not gonna lie.
Pīwakawaka/Fantail: I reckon the fight would be going well until they hit my eye with the fan and then I’m blinded and can’t land any hits.
Kiwi: If this fight is in the daylight then I’m winning, hands down. But at night, when in their natural element, I reckon they would fend off all my attacks with that long-ass beak.
Kāhu/Hawk: I’m so fucked.
Kārearea/Falcon: I’m even more fucked.
Ruru/Morepork: More like more pecks. To your face. Dumb owl.
Kea: Kea is gonna be ripping off my feathers as well as windshield wipers.
Pūkeko: If we are in the swamp, it’ll be a tough fight, but anywhere else I’m taking the W.
Takahē: Just a fat Pukeko, so I’m taking the dub. Unless it sits on me.
Kererū: Probably too drunk off berries to squabble up.
Tui: Looks like an English barrister, I’m for sure beating his ass.
Pūteketeke/Great crested Grebe: All respect to John Oliver – but his bird is losing for sure.
Pekapeka tou-roa/Long-tailed Bat: Remember when it won Bird of the Year in 2021? It would probably also win this fight, they are scary.
Pīwauwau/Rock Wren: I’m gonna rock it’s head off – while feeling bad about it, they’re really cute.
Kākāpō: You just know they don’t fight fair.
Kakī/Black Stilt: Probably got like a Muhammad Ali kinda style; just ducks and dives till you’re too tired.
Pukunui/Southern New Zealand Dotterel: I would probably lose to the true Bird of the Year because it is such an amazing, rare bird.