The Official Dunedin Old Test

The Official Dunedin Old Test

You know them when you see ‘em – when they actually leave the house, that is.

Have you ever…

  1. Bailed on Pint Night?
  2. Hosted a potluck/dinner party?
  3. Bought a $14+ bottle of wine?
  4. Brought just a 6-pack on a night out? 
  5. Refrained from drinking because your tummy hurt?
  6. Left a BYO basically sober?
  7. Purchased a textbook (and used it)?
  8. Declined free drugs?
  9. Had freshers recoil when finding out your age?
  10. Composted?
  11. Played Dad tunes at pres?
  12. Kept New World pot plant herbs alive for a week (or more)?
  13. Used Bumble?
  14. Used Hinge?
  15. Gone to Pequeños Jazz Night?
  16. Bought a real bong? 
  17. Been a class rep?
  18. Been a class notetaker? 
  19. Played board games at Woof!?
  20. Paid your own Student Health bill? 
  21. Set boundaries in a relationship?
  22. Been to therapy?
  23. Driven somewhere within walking distance?
  24. Packed lunch instead of buying food on campus?
  25. Purchased tupperware?
  26. Been excited about blankets?
  27. Made (and/or stuck with) a flat chore chart?
  28. Gone to the farmer’s market? 
  29. Bought a pricey sex toy?
  30. Been genuinely confused by a TikTok trend? 
  31. Skipped pres to rest before going out instead?
  32. Kept up with the ODT?
  33. Participated in a local protest?
  34. Been an exec member for a club or soc? 
  35. Been asked for directions on campus?
  36. Tried to quit vaping? 
  37. Turned your nose up at instant coffee?
  38. Been sober for two weeks or more at uni?
  39. Called it a night before 11pm? 
  40. Been shroom collecting? 
  41. Cooked a roast dinner?
  42. Created (and followed) a study schedule?
  43. Had a nap on campus?
  44. Been to Inch Bar open mic night? 
  45. Voted in an OUSA referendum?
  46. Thought the Cats queue was made up of literal infants? 
  47. Been to the Hocken library? 
  48. Taken up crochet or knitting? 
  49. Broken up with someone in person?
  50. Submitted something to Critic?

If you answered ‘yes’ to more than half: you’re a Critic-verified Dunedin Old. Read on for specifics – but first, grab your glasses. 

Less than 10: Born Yesterday
You’re bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and probably don’t have pubes in weird places yet. You fall asleep watching live streams. Your parents wheel your suitcases for you. You pretend to like coffee. There is a serious risk that I will mine your skin for its youthful, youthful collagen. 

10-19: Fresher Death
Some people act like freshers for longer than others, but not you – you’re rapidly approaching Fresher Death. It’s like twink death. It WILL come for you. Have you heard of second puberty? There are so many places one can sweat from. Symptoms of Fresher Death include: RTDs suddenly tasting too sweet, hangovers feeling like fucking Covid, and realising you can’t dump all your shit at your parents’ forever. 

20-29: Millennial Sympathiser 
You may or may not be an actual millennial, but you could pick ‘Millennial Pink’ out of a Resene palette. You regularly post Close Friends stories. All the meme page admins you grew up with have kids now, and you hope they’re okay. You’re a bit insecure about your phone case, but not enough to do anything about it. Your friends give their pets suburban dad names. 

30-39: Facebook Poster
Anyone around you could be TikTok famous, and that scares you. You have spent ‘me time’ building your LinkedIn profile. You RSVP to events. You fantasise about repainting furniture and backing up your hard drive. You feel like you should start buying supplements. 

More than 40: Buy a MedicAlert
You live in constant fear of being face-to-face with a QR code. Looking at an energy drink gives you anxiety. You’d “touch grass”, but if you so much as laid down in the dirt you know that the earth would permanently reclaim your weary bones. You thought you’d only be in Dunedin during your undergrad, but for some goddamn reason you’re still here – like that one high school graduate who still visits school to have coffee catch-ups with the teachers.

This article first appeared in Issue 2, 2024.
Posted 3:36pm Saturday 2nd March 2024 by Lotto Ramsay.